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SHREKWritten byTed ElliottTerry RossioJoe StillmanRoger S.H. SchulmanBased on the book byWilliam SteigSHREKOnce upon a time there was a lovelyprincess. But she had anenchantment upon her of a fearfulsort which could only be broken bylove's first kiss. She was lockedaway in a castle guarded by aterrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted tofree her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited inthe dragon's keep in the highestroom of the tallest tower for hertrue love and true love's firstkiss. (laughs) Like that's evergonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush)Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about hisday. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together togo after the ogre.NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOMEMAN1Think it's in there?MAN2All right. Let's get it!MAN1Whoa. Hold on. Do you know whatthat thing can do to you?MAN3Yeah, it'll grind your bones forit's bread.Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.SHREKYes, well, actually, that would bea giant. Now, ogres, oh they'remuch worse. They'll make a suitfrom your freshly peeled skin.MENNo!SHREKThey'll shave your liver. the jelly from your eyes! it's quite good on toast.SqueezeActually, 2.MAN1Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!(waves the torch atShrek.)Shrek calmly licks his fingers andextinguishes the torch. The menshrink back away from him. Shrekroars very loudly and long and hisbreath extinguishes all theremaining torches until the men arein the dark.SHREKThis is the part where you runaway.(The men scramble to getaway. He laughs.)And stay out! (looks down and picksup a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."(Hesighs and throws the paper over hisshoulder.)THE NEXT DAYThere is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of theguard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairytale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some ofthe people in line are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbellin a cage, Gipetto who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmerwho is carrying the three little pigs.GUARDAll right. This one's full. Take itaway! Move it along. Come on! Getup!HEAD GUARDNext!GUARD(taking the witch's broom) Give methat! Your flying days are over.(breaks the broom in half)HEAD GUARDThat's 20 pieces of silver for thewitch. Next!Get up! GUARDCome on!HEAD GUARDTwenty pieces.3.LITTLE BEAR(crying) This cage is too small.DONKEYPlease, don't turn me in. I'llnever be stubborn again. I canchange. Please! Give me anotherchance!Oh, OLD WOMANshut up. (jerks his rope)DONKEYOh!Next! HEAD GUARDWhat have you got?GIPETTOThis little wooden puppet.PINOCCHIOI'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows)HEAD GUARDFive shillings for the possessedtoy. Take it away.PINOCCHIOFather, please! Don't let them dothis! Help me!Gipetto takes the money and walks off. up to the table.Next! HEAD GUARDWhat have you got?The old woman stepsWell, OLD WOMANI've got a talking donkey.HEAD GUARDRight. Well, that's good for tenshillings, if you can prove it.Oh, OLD WOMANgo ahead, little fella.Donkey just looks up at her.HEAD GUARDWell?4.OLD WOMANOh, oh, he's just...he's just alittle nervous. He's really quite achatterbox. Talk, you boneheadeddolt...That's it. Guards!HEAD GUARDI've heard enough. OLD WOMANNo, no, he talks! He does. (pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingestdamn thing you ever saw.HEAD GUARDGet her out of my sight.No, no! OLD WOMANI swear! Oh! He can talk!The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of PeterPan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He getssprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly.Hey! DONKEYI can fly!PETER PANHe can fly!LITTLE PIGSHe can fly!HEAD GUARDHe can talk!DONKEYHa, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'ma flying, talking donkey. You mighthave seen a housefly, maybe even asuperfly but I bet you ain't neverseen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (thepixie dust begins to wear off) Uh- oh. (he begins to sink to theground.)He hits the ground with a thud.HEAD GUARDSeize him! (Donkey takes ofrunning.) After him!5.GUARDSHe's getting away! way! Turn!Get him! ThisDonkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guardscoming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek.You there. HEAD GUARDOgre!SHREKAye?HEAD GUARDBy the order of Lord Farquaad I amauthorized to place you both underarrest and transport you to adesignated resettlement facility.Oh, SHREKreally? You and what army?He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look aswell and we see that the other men have run off. The guardtucks tail and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back abouthis business and begins walking back to his cottage.DONKEYCan I say something to you? Listen,you was really, really, reallysomethin' back here. Incredible!SHREKAre you talkin' to...(he turnsaround and Donkey is gone) me? turns back around and Donkey isright in front of him.) Whoa!(heDONKEYYes. I was talkin' to you. Can Itell you that you that you wasgreat back here? Those guards! Theythought they was all of that. Thenyou showed up, and bam! They wastrippin' over themselves like babesin the woods. That really made mefeel good to see that.Oh, SHREKthat's great. Really.6.Man, DONKEYit's good to be free.SHREKNow, why don't you go celebrateyour freedom with your own friends?Hm?DONKEYBut, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there bymyself. Hey, wait a minute! I got agreat idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare thespit out of anybody that crossesus.Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaringvery loudly.DONKEY (CONT’D)Oh, wow! That was really scary. Ifyou don't mind me sayin', if thatdon't work, your breath certainlywill get the job done, 'cause youdefinitely need some Tic Tacs orsomething, 'cause you breathstinks! You almost burned the hairoutta my nose, just like thetime...(Shrek covers his mouth butDonkey continues to talk, so Shrekremoves his hand.) ...then I atesome rotten berries. I had stronggases leaking out of my butt thatday.SHREKWhy are you following me?DONKEYI'll tell you why. (singing) 'CauseI'm all alone, There's no one herebeside me, My problems have allgone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have faith...SHREKStop singing! It's no wonder youdon't have any friends.DONKEYWow. Only a true friend would bethat cruelly honest.7.SHREKListen, little donkey. at me. What am I?Take a lookDONKEY(looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really tall?SHREKNo! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grabyour torch and pitchforks." Doesn'tthat bother you?DONKEYNope.SHREKReally?Really, DONKEYreally.SHREKOh.Man, Uh, DONKEYI like you. SHREKShrek.What's you name?DONKEYShrek? Well, you know what I likeaboutyou, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobodythinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. Youall right. (They come over a hill and you can see Shrek'scottage.) Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in placelike that?SHREKThat would be my home.DONKEYOh! And it is lovely! Justbeautiful. You know you are quite adecorator. It's amazing what you'vedone with such a modest budget. Ilike that boulder. That is a niceboulder. I guess you don'tentertain much, do you?8.SHREKI like my privacy.DONKEYYou know, I do too. That's anotherthing we have in comon. Like Ihate it when you got somebody inyour face. You've trying to givethem a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay withyou?SHREKUh, what?DONKEYCan I stay with you, please?SHREK(sarcastically) Of course!DONKEYReally?SHREKNo.DONKEYPlease! there! I don't wanna go backYou don't know what it'slike to be considered a freak.(pause while he looks at Shrek)Well, maybe you do. But that's whywe gotta stick together. You gottalet me stay! Please! Please!Okay! SHREKOkay! But one night only.DONKEYAh! Thank you! (he runs inside thecottage)SHREKWhat are you...? (Donkey hops uponto a chair.) No! No!DONKEYThis is gonna be fun! We can stayup late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.9.SHREKOh!Where do, DONKEYuh, I sleep?SHREK(irritated) Outside!DONKEYOh, well, I guess that's cool. Imean, I don't know you, and youdon't know me, so I guess outsideis best, you know. Here I go. Goodnight. (Shrek slams the door.)(sigh) I mean, I do like theoutdoors. I'm a donkey. I was bornoutside. I'll just be sitting bymyself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm allalone...there's no one here besideme...SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHTShrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down andlights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when hehears a noise. He stands up with a huff.SHREK(to Donkey) I thought I told you tostay outside.DONKEY(from the window) I am outside.There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the personthat made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. Hefinally turns and spots 3 blind mice on his table.BLIND MOUSE1Well, gents, it's a far cry fromthe farm, but what choice do wehave?BLIND MOUSE2It's not home, but it'll do justfine.GORDO(bouncing on a slug) What a lovelybed.10.SHREKGot ya. (Grabs a mouse, but itescapes and lands on his shoulder.)GORDOI found some cheese. ear)SHREKOw!Blah! GORDOAwful stuff.(bites Shrek'sBLIND MOUSE1Is that you, Gordo?GORDOHow did you know?SHREKEnough! (he grabs the 3 mice) Whatare you doing in my house? (He getsbumped from behind and he drops themice.) Hey! (he turns and sees theSeven Dwarves with Snow White onthe table.) Oh, no, broad off the table.no, no. DeadDWARFWhere are we supposed to put her?The bed's taken.SHREKHuh?Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back thecurtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolfjust looks at him.BIG BAD WOLFWhat?TIME LAPSEShrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragginghim to the front door.SHREKI live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do Ihave to do get a little privacy?(MORE)11.SHREK (CONT'D)(He opens the front door to throwthe Wolf out and he sees that allthe collected Fairy Tale Creaturesare on his land.) Oh, no. No! No!The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playinghis pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves aredirecting flight traffic so that the fairies and witches canland...etc.SHREK (CONT’D)What are you doing in my swamp?(this echoes and everyone fallssilent.)Gasps are heard all around. tent.The 3 good fairies hide inside aSHREK (CONT’D)All right, get out of here. All ofyou, move it! Come on! Let's go!Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Comeon! (more dwarves run inside thehouse) No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. (they shut the door onhim) Oh! (turns to look at Donkey)DONKEYHey, don't look at me. invite them.I didn'tOh, gosh, PINOCCHIOno one invited us.SHREKWhat?PINOCCHIOWe were forced to come here.SHREK(flabbergasted) By who?LITTLE PIGLord Farquaad. He huffed and hepuffed and he...signed an evictionnotice.SHREK(heavy sigh) All right. Who knowswhere this Farquaad guy is?Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.12.Oh, I do. DONKEYI know where he is.SHREKDoes anyone else know where to findhim? Anyone at all?DONKEYMe! Me!SHREKAnyone?DONKEYOh! Oh, pick me! know! Me, me!SHREKOh, I know! I(sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, fairy tale things. Do not getcomfortable. Your welcome isallofficially worn out. In fact, I'mgonna see this guy Farquaad rightnow and get you all off my land andback where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (toDonkey) You! You're comin' with me.DONKEYAll right, that's what I like tohear, man. Shrek and Donkey, twostalwart friends, off on awhirlwind big-city adventure. love it!IDONKEY (CONT’D)(singing) On the road again. Singit with me, Shrek. I can't wait toget on the road again.SHREKWhat did I say about singing?DONKEYCan I whistle?SHREKNo.DONKEYCan I hum it?All right, SHREKhum it.13.Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.DULOC - KITCHENA masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He'scontinually dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaadwalks in.FARQUAADThat's enough. He's ready to talk.The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slameddown onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks overto the table. However when he reaches the table we see thatit goes up to his eyes. is lowered.He clears his throat and the tableFARQUAAD (CONT’D)(he picks up theGingerbread Man's legsand plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catchme. I'm the gingerbread man.GINGERBREAD MANYou are a monster.FARQUAADI'm not the monster here. You are.You and the rest of that fairy taletrash, poisoning my perfect world.Now, tell me! Where are the others?GINGERBREAD MANEat me! (He spits milk intoFarquaad's eye.)FARQUAADI've tried to be fair to youcreatures. Now my patience hasreached its end! Tell me orI'll...(he makes as if to pull offthe Gingerbread Man's buttons)GINGERBREAD MANNo, no, not the buttons. Not mygumdrop buttons.FARQUAADAll right then. Who's hiding them?14.GINGERBREAD MANOkay, I'll tell you. Do you knowthe muffin man?FARQUAADThe muffin man?GINGERBREAD MANThe muffin man.FARQUAADYes, I know the muffin man, lives on Drury Lane?whoWell, man.GINGERBREAD MANshe's married to the muffinFARQUAADThe muffin man?GINGERBREAD MANThe muffin man!FARQUAADShe's married to the muffin man.The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.My lord! HEAD GUARDWe found it.FARQUAADThen what are you waiting for?Bring it in.More guards enter carrying something that is covered by asheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. is the Magic Mirror.ItGINGERBREAD MAN(in awe) Ohhhh...FARQUAagic mirror...GINGERBREAD MANDon't tell him anything! (Farquaadpicks him up and dumps him into atrash can with a lid.) No!15.FARQUAADEvening. Mirror, mirror on thewall. Is this not the most perfectkingdom of them all?Well, king.MIRRORtechnically you're not aFARQUAADUh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds upa hand mirror and smashes it withhis fist.) You were saying?MIRRORWhat I mean is you're not a kingyet. But you can become one. Allyou have to do is marry a princess.FARQUAADGo on.MIRROR(chuckles nervously) So, just sitback and relax, my lord, becauseit's time for you to meet today'seligible bachelorettes. And herethey are! Bachelorette number oneis a mentally abused shut-in from akingdom far, far away. She likessushi and hot tubbing anytime. Herhobbies include cooking andcleaning for her two evil sisters.Please welcome Cinderella. (showspicture of Cinderella) Bachelorettenumber two is a cape-wearing girlfrom the land of fancy. Althoughshe lives with seven other men,she's not easy. Just kiss her dead,frozen lips and find out what alive wire she is. Come on. Give itup for Snow White! (shows pictureof Snow White) And last, butcertainly not last, bachelorettenumber three is a fiery redheadfrom a dragon-guarded castlesurrounded by hot boiling lava! Butdon't let that cool you off. She'sa loaded pistol who likes pinacolads and getting caught in therain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!(MORE)16.MIRROR (CONT'D)(Shows picture of Princess Fiona)So will it be bachelorette numberone, bachelorette number two orbachelorette number three?Two! Two! Three!GUARDSThree! Three! FARQUAADThree? One? Three?Two! Two!THELONIUSThree! (holds up 2 fingers) Picknumber three, my lord!Okay, FARQUAADokay, uh, number three!MIRRORLord Farquaad, you've chosenPrincess Fiona.FARQUAADPrincess Fiona. She's perfect. AllI have to do is just find someonewho can go...MIRRORBut I probably should mention thelittle thing that happens at night.FARQUAADI'll do it.Yes, MIRRORbut after sunset...FARQUAADSilence! I will make this PrincessFiona my queen, and DuLoc willfinally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men.We're going to have a tournament.(smiles evilly)DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot SectionShrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by theparking lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.17.DONKEYBut that's it. That's it rightthere. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'dfind it.SHREKSo, that must be Lord Farquaad'scastle.Uh-huh. DONKEYThat's the place.SHREKDo you think maybe he'scompensating for something? (Helaughs, but then groans as Donkeydoesn't get the joke. He continueswalking through the parking lot.)Hey, wait. DONKEYWait up, Shrek.Hurry, MANdarling. We're late. Hurry.SHREKHey, you! (The attendant, who iswearing a giant head that lookslike Lord Farquaad, screams andbegins running through the rows ofrope to get to the front gate toget away from Shrek.) Wait asecond. Look, I'm not gonna eatyou. I just - - I just - - (Hesighs and then begins walkingstraight through the rows. Theattendant runs into a wall andfalls down. Shrek and Donkey lookat him then continue on intoDuLoc.)DULOCThey look around but all is quiet.SHREKIt's quiet. Too quiet. everybody?Hey, DONKEYlook at this!Where isDonkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a boxmarked 'Information'.18.The music winds up and then the box doors open up. little wooden people inside and they begin to sing.WOODEN PEOPLEWelcome to DuLoc such a perfecttownHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, DuLoc is, DuLoc iswipe your... faceDuLoc is perfect place.Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.DONKEYWow! Let's do that again! (makesready to run over and pull thelever again)No. SHREK(grabs Donkey's tail andholds him still)No. No, no, no! No.There areThey hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.FARQUAADBrave knights. You are the best andbrightest in all the land. Todayone of you shall prove himself...As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into thearena Donkey is huming the DuLoc theme song.SHREKAll right. You're going the rightway for a smacked bottom.DONKEYSorry about that.19.FARQUAADThat champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to goforth and rescue the lovelyPrincess Fiona from the fiery keepof the dragon. If for any reasonthe winner is unsuccessful, thefirst runner-up will take his placeand so on and so forth. Some of youmay die, but it's a sacrifice I amwilling to make. (cheers) Let thetournament begin! (He noticesShrek) Oh! What is that? It'shideous!SHREK(turns to look at Donkeyand then back atFarquaad) Ah, very nice. It's just a donkey.that's notFARQUAADIndeed. Knights, new plan! The onewho kills the ogre will be namedchampion! Have it him!MENGet him!SHREKOh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.(bumps into a table where there aremugs of beer)Go ahead! CROWDGet him!SHREK(holds up a mug of beer) Can't wejust settle this over a pint?CROWDKill the beast!SHREKNo? All right then. beer) Come on!(drinks theHe takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrelof beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching theother men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrekslides past the men and picks up a spear that one of the mendropped.20.As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of thelarger beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and beginsto roll. Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much fighting going on here I'm not going to gointo detail. Suffice to say that Shrek kicks butt.Hey, DONKEYShrek, tag me! Tag me!Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.SHREKYeah!A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, time and sees him.but Shrek turns inWOMANThe chair! Give him the chair!Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all themen are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, andthe ding sounds the end of the match. The audience goeswild.SHREKOh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thankyou very much! I'm here tillThursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!(laughs)The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weaponson Shrek.HEAD GUARDShall I give the order, sir?FARQUAADNo, I have a better idea. People ofDuLoc, I give you our champion!SHREKWhat?FARQUAADCongratulations, ogre. You're wonthe honor of embarking on a greatand noble quest.SHREKQuest? I'm already in a quest, quest to get my swamp back.a21.FARQUAADYour swamp?SHREKYeah, my swamp! Where you dumpedthose fairy tale creatures!FARQUAADIndeed. All right, ogre. I'll makeyou a deal. Go on this quest forme, and I'll give you your swampback.SHREKExactly the way it was?FARQUAADDown to the last slime-coveredtoadstool.SHREKAnd the squatters?FARQUAADAs good as gone.SHREKWhat kind of quest?Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through thefield heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on anonion.DONKEYLet me get this straight. You'regonna go fight a dragon and rescuea princess just so Farquaad willgive you back a swamp which youonly don't have because he filledit full of freaks in the firstplace. Is that about right?SHREKYou know, maybe there's a goodreason donkeys shouldn't talk.DONKEYI don't get it. Why don't you justpull some of that ogre stuff onhim? Throttle him, lay siege to hisfortress, grinds his bones to makeyour bread, the whole ogre trip.22.SHREKOh, I know what. Maybe I could havedecapitated an entire village andput their heads on a pike, gotten aknife, cut open their spleen anddrink their fluids. Does that soundgood to you?Uh, no, DONKEYnot really, no.SHREKFor your information, there's a lotmore to ogres than people think.DONKEYExample?SHREKExample? Okay, um, ogres are likeonions. (he holds out his onion)DONKEY(sniffs the onion) They stink?SHREKYes - - No!DONKEYThey make you cry?SHREKNo!DONKEYYou leave them in the sun, all brown, start sproutin' white hairs.SHREKthey getlittleNo! Layers! Onions have layers.Ogres have layers! Onions havelayers. You get it? We both havelayers. (he heaves a sigh and thenwalks off)DONKEY(trailing after Shrek) Oh, you bothhave layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake!Everybody loves cakes! Cakes havelayers.23.SHREKI don't care... what everyonelikes. Ogres are not like cakes.DONKEYYou know what else everybody likes?Parfaits. Have you ever met aperson, you say, "Let's get someparfait," they say, "Hell no, Idon't like no parfait"? Parfaitsare delicious.SHREKNo! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogresare like onions! And of story. Bye- bye. See ya later.DONKEYParfaits may be the most deliciousthing on the whole damn planet.You know, huming.SHREKI think I preferred yourDONKEYDo you have a tissue or something?I'm making a mess. Just the wordparfait make me start slobbering.They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walkingthrough a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon.Shrek trying to put the campfire out the next day and havinga bit of a problem, so Donkey pees on the fire to put itout.DRAGON'S KEEPShrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposedto house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giantvolcano.DONKEY(sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you dothat? You gotta warn somebodybefore you just crack one off. mouth was open and everything.MySHREKBelieve me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It'sbrimstone. We must be gettingclose.24.Yeah, DONKEYright, brimstone. Don't betalking about it's the brimstone. know what I smell. It wasn't nobrimstone. It didn't come off nostone neither.IThey climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There is a small piece of rock right in the center and thatis where the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. Itlooks very foreboding.SHREKSure, it's big enough, but look atthe location. (laughs...then thelaugh turns into a groan)DONKEYUh, Shrek? Uh, when yousaid ogres have layers?SHREKOh, aye.DONKEYWell, I have a bit of a confessionto make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there onour sleeves.SHREKWait a second. Donkeys don't havesleeves.DONKEYYou know what I mean.SHREKYou can't tell me you're afraid ofheights.DONKEYNo, I'm just a little uncomfortableabout being on a rickety bridgeover a boiling like of lava!SHREKCome on, Donkey. I'm right herebeside ya, okay? For emotional., we'll just tackle thisthing together one little baby stepat a time.25.DONKEYReally?Really, SHREKreally.DONKEYOkay, that makes me feel so muchbetter.SHREKJust keep moving. down.DONKEYAnd don't lookOkay, don't look down. Don't lookdown. Don't look down. Keep onmoving. Don't look down. (he stepsthrough a rotting board and ends uplooking straight down into thelava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let meoff, please!SHREKBut you're already halfway.DONKEYBut I know that half is safe!Okay, this. SHREKfine. I don't have time forYou go back.Shrek, no! DONKEYWait!SHREKJust, Donkey - - Let's have a dancethen, shall me? (bounces and swaysthe bridge)DONKEYDon't do that!SHREKOh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, (bounces the bridge again)DONKEYYes, that!this?26.SHREKYes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continuesto bounce and sway as he backsDonkey across the bridge)No, Shrek! DONKEYNo! Stop it!SHREKYou said do it! I'm doin' it.DONKEYI'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. (steps ontosolid ground) Oh!SHREKThat'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks towards the castle)DONKEYCool. So where is this fire- breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?SHREKInside, waiting for us to rescueher.(chuckles)DONKEYI was talkin' about the dragon,Shrek.INSIDE THE CASTLEDONKEYYou afraid?SHREKNo.DONKEYBut...SHREKShh.DONKEYOh, good. Me neither. (sees askeleton and gasps) 'Cause there'snothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to anunfamiliar situation. Unfamiliardangerous situation, (MORE)I might add.27.DONKEY (CONT'D)With a dragon that breathes fireand eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're acoward if you're a little scared. Isure as heck ain't no coward. Iknow that.SHREKDonkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see ifyou can find any stairs.DONKEYStairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.SHREK(putting on a helmet) The princesswill be up the stairs in thehighest room in the tallest tower.DONKEYWhat makes you think she'll bethere?SHREKI read it in a book once. off)(walksDONKEYCool. You handle the dragon. I'llhandle the stairs. I'll find thosestairs. I'll whip their butt too.Those stairs won't know which waythey're goin'.(walks off)EMPTY ROOMDonkey is still talking to himself as he looks around theroom.DONKEYI'm gonna take drastic steps. Kickit to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've masteredthe stairs. I wish I had a stepright here. I'd step all over it.ELSEWHEREShrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.28.SHREKWell, at least we know where theprincess is, but where's the...DONKEY(os) Dragon!Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roarsagain. Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just asthe dragon breathes fire.SHREKDonkey, look out! (he manages toget a hold of the dragons tail andholds on) Got ya!The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail andShrek goes flying through the air and crashes through theroof of the tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk andlooks at him lying on the floor.Oh! Aah! DONKEYAah!Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but asmall part of the bridge he's on.DONKEY (CONT’D)No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars)Oh, what large teeth you have. (thedragon growls) I mean white,sparkling teeth. I know youprobably hear this all time fromyour food, but you must bleach,'cause that is one dazzling smileyou got there. Do I detect a hintof minty freshness? And you knowwhat else? You're - - You're a girldragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of courseyou're a girl dragon. You're justreeking of feminine beauty.(the dragon beginsfluttering her eyes athim) What's the matterwith you?You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love tostay, but you know, I'm, uh...(thedragon blows a smoke ring in theshape of a heart right at him, andhe coughs) I'm an asthmatic, and Idon't know if it'd work out ifyou're gonna blow smoke rings.Shrek!(MORE)29.DONKEY (CONT’D)(the dragon picks him up with herteeth and carries him off) No!Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!FIONA'S ROOMShrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is toFiona so she straightens her dress and lays back down on thebed. She then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet offlowers off the side table. She then lays back down andappears to be asleep. Shrek turns and goes over to her. Helooks down at Fiona for a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and shakes her away.FIONAOh! Oh!SHREKWake up!FIONAWhat?SHREKAre you Princess Fiona?FIONAI am, awaiting a knight so bold asto rescue me.Oh, SHREKthat's nice. Now let's go!FIONABut wait, Sir Knight. This be-ithour first meeting. Should it not bea wonderful, romantic moment?Yeah, SHREKsorry, lady. There's no time.FIONAHey, wait. What are you doing? Youshould sweep me off my feet outyonder window and down a rope ontoyour valiant steed.SHREKYou've had a lot of time to planthis, haven't you?FIONA(smiles) Mm-hm.30.Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and downthe hallway.FIONA (CONT’D)But we have to savor this moment!You could recite an epic poem forme. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick?Or something!SHREKI don't think so.FIONACan I at least know the name of mychampion?SHREKUh, Shrek.FIONASir Shrek. (clears throat and holdsout a handkerchief) I pray that youtake this favor as a token of mygratitude.SHREKThanks!Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.FIONA(surprised)You didn't slay thedragon?SHREKIt's on my to-do list. Now come on!(takes off running anddrags Fiona behind him.)FIONABut this isn't right! You weremeant to charge in, sword drawn,banner flying. That's what all theother knights did.Yeah, flame.SHREKright before they burst intoFIONAThat's not the point. (Shreksuddenly stops and she runs intohim.) Oh!(MORE)31.FIONA (CONT'D)(Shrek ignores her and heads for awooden door off to the side.) Wait. Where are you going? The exit'sover there.Well, SHREKI have to save my ass.FIONAWhat kind of knight are you?SHREKOne of a kind. (opens the door intothe throne room)DONKEY(os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy toget to know someone over a longperiod of time. Just call me old- fashioned. (laughs worriedly) (wesee him up close and from adistance as Shrek sneaks into theroom) I don't want to rush into aphysical relationship. I'm notemotionally ready for a comitmentof, uh, this - - Magnitude reallyis the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwantedphysical . Hey, what are youdoing? Okay, okay. Let's just backup a little and take this one stepat a time. We really should get toknow each other first as friends orpen pals. I'm on the road a lot,but I just love receiving cards - -I'd really love to stay, but - -Don't do that! That's my tail!That's my personal tail. You'regonna tear it off. I don't givepermission - - What are you gonnado with that? Hey, now. No way. No!No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier andswings toward the dragon. He misses and he swings backagain. He looks up and spots that the chandelier is rightabove the dragons head. He pulls on the chain and itreleases and he falls down and bumps Donkey out of the wayright as the dragon is about to kiss him. Instead the dragonkisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shreklets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms a sortof collar for her.32.She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and then grabs PrincessFiona as he runs past her.DONKEY (CONT’D)Hi, Princess!FIONAIt talks!SHREKYeah, it's getting him to shut upthat's the trick.They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrekspots a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunatelythere is a crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in thegroin. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of theslide he stumbles off and walks lightly.SHREK (CONT’D)Oh!Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey andFiona.SHREK (CONT’D)Okay, you two, heard for the exit!I'll take care of the dragon.Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior ofthe castle. He throws the sword down in between severaloverlapping chain links. The chain links are attached to thechandelier that is still around the dragons neck.SHREK (CONT’D)(echoing) Run!They all take off running for the exit with the dragon inhot pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. Thedragons breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. Theyall hang on for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge upcollapse. They are swung to the other side. As they hangupside down they look in horror as the dragon makes to flyover the boiling lava to get them. But suddenly thechandelier with the chain jerk the dragon back and she'sunable to get to them. Our gang climbs quickly to safety asthe dragon looks angry and then gives a sad whimper as shewatches Donkey walk away.FIONA(sliding down the 'volcano' You did it! You rescued me! amazing.(MORE)hill)You're33.FIONA (CONT'D)(behind her Donkey fallsdown the hill)You're - - You're wonderful. You're... (turns and sees Shrekfall down the hill andbump into Donkey) alittleunorthodox I'll it. But thy deedis great, and thy heart is pure. Iam eternally in your debt. (Donkeyclears his throat.) And where woulda brave knight be without his noblesteed?DONKEYI hope you heard that. She calledme a noble steed. She think I'm asteed.FIONAThe battle is won. You may removeyour helmet, good Sir Knight.SHREKUh, no.FIONAWhy not?SHREKI have helmet hair.FIONAPlease. I would'st look upon theface of my rescuer.No, no, SHREKyou wouldn't - - 'st.FIONABut how will you kiss me?SHREKWhat? (to Donkey) That wasn't inthe job description.DONKEYMaybe it's a perk.FIONANo, it's destiny. how it goes.(MORE)Oh, you must know34.FIONA (CONT'D)A princess locked in a tower andbeset by a dragon is rescued by abrave knight, and then they sharetrue love's first kiss.DONKEYHm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is youtrue love?FIONAWell, yes.Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.DONKEYYou think Shrek is your true love!FIONAWhat is so funny?SHREKLet's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona: Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Nowremove your helmet.SHREK (CONT’D)Look. I really don't think this isa good idea.FIONAJust take off the helmet.SHREKI'm not going to.FIONATake it off.SHREKNo!FIONANow!SHREKOkay! Easy. As you comand. Highness. (takes off his helmet)YourFIONAYou- - You're a- - an ogre.35.SHREKOh, you were expecting PrinceCharming.FIONAWell, yes, actually. Oh, no. Thisis all wrong. You're not supposedto be an ogre.SHREKPrincess, I was sent to rescue youby Lord Farquaad, okay? He is theone who wants to marry you.FIONAThen why didn't he come rescue me?SHREKGood question. You should ask himthat when we get there.FIONABut I have to be rescued by my truelove, not by some ogre and his- - his pet.Well, DONKEYso much for noble steed.SHREKYou're not making my job anyeasier.FIONAI'm sorry, but your job is not myproblem. You can tell Lord Farquaadthat if he wants to rescue meproperly, I'll be waiting for himright here.SHREKHey! I'm no one's messenger boy,all right? (ominous) I'm a deliveryboy.(he swiftly picks her upand swings her over hisshoulder like she was asack of potatoes)FIONAYou wouldn't dare. Ya comin', SHREKDonkey?Put me down!36.DONKEYI'm right behind ya.FIONAPut me down, or you will suffer theconsequences! This is notdignified! Put me down!WOODSA little time has ed and Fiona has calmed down. hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.DONKEYOkay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really likeher that way. How do you let herdown real easy so her feelingsaren't hurt, but you don't getburned to a crisp and eaten?FIONAYou just tell her she's not yourtrue love. Everyone knows whathappens when you find your...(Shrekdrops her on the ground) Hey! Thesooner we get to DuLoc the better.DONKEYYou're gonna love it there,Princess. It's beautiful!FIONAAnd what of my groom-to-be? LordFarquaad? What's he like?SHREKLet me put it this way, Princess.Men of Farquaad's stature are inshort supply.(he and Donkey laugh)Shrek then proceeds to splash wateronto his face to wash off the dustand grime.DONKEYI don't know. There are those whothink little of him. (they laughagain) Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealousyou can never measure up to a greatruler like Lord Farquaad.She just37.SHREKYeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see himtomorrow.FIONA(looks at the setting sun)Tomorrow? It'll take that long?Shouldn't we stop to make camp?SHREKNo, that'll take longer. keep going.We canFIONABut there's robbers in the woods.DONKEYWhoa! Time out, Shrek! starting to sound good.Camp isSHREKHey, come on. I'm scarier thananything we're going to see in thisforest.FIONAI need to find somewhere to campnow!Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away fromher.MOUNTAIN CLIFFShrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. shoves a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.HeHey! SHREKOver here.DONKEYShrek, we can do better than that.I don't think this is fit for aprincess.FIONANo, no, it's perfect. a few homey touches.It just needs38.SHREKHomey touches? Like what? (he hearsa tearing noise and looks over atFiona who has torn the bark off ofa tree.)FIONAA door? Well, gentlemen, I bid theegood night. (goes into the cave andputs the bark door up behind her)DONKEYYou want me to read you a bedtimestory? I will.FIONA(os) I said good night!Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move theboulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fionastill inside.Shrek, DONKEYWhat are you doing?SHREK(laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.LATER THAT NIGHTShrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They arestaring up into the sky as Shrek points out certain starconstellations to Donkey.SHREKAnd, uh, that one, that'sThrowback, the only ogre to everspit over three wheat fields.DONKEYRight. Yeah. Hey, can you tell myfuture from these stars?SHREKThe stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.DONKEYI know you're making this up.39.SHREKNo, look. There he is, and there'sthe group of hunters running awayfrom his stench.DONKEYThat ain't nothin' little dots.but a bunch ofSHREKYou know, Donkey, sometimes thingsare more than they appear. Hm?Forget it.DONKEY(heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get ourswamp anyway?SHREKOur swamp?DONKEYYou know, when we're throughrescuing the princess.SHREKWe? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just meand my swamp. The first thing I'mgonna do is build a ten-foot wallaround my land.DONKEYYou cut me deep, Shrek. You cut mereal deep just now. You know what Ithink? I think this whole wallthing is just a way to keepsomebody out.No, SHREKdo ya think?DONKEYAre you hidin' something?SHREKNever mind, Donkey.DONKEYOh, this is another one of thoseonion things, isn't it?40.SHREKNo, this is one of those drop-itand leave-it alone things.DONKEYWhy don't you want to talk aboutit?SHREKWhy do you want to talk about it?DONKEYWhy are you blocking?SHREKI'm not blocking.Oh, yes, DONKEYyou are.Donkey, SHREKI'm warning you.DONKEYWho you trying to keep out?Everyone! SHREKOkay?DONKEY(pause) Oh, somewhere.now we're gettin'(grins)At this point Fiona pulls the'door' away from the entrance tothe cave and peaks out. Neither ofthe guys see her.SHREKOh! For the love of Pete! (gets upand walks over to the edge of thecliff and sits down)DONKEYWhat's your problem? What you gotagainst the whole world anyway?SHREKLook, I'm not the one with theproblem, okay? It's the world thatseems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run!(MORE)41.SH