Version of Me

There are moments in our lives that when we look back on them, there are perpetual regrets, but the lessons we learned were the ones that keep us going. Experiencing life's challenges and seeing ourselves grow from them is what makes life worth living. I’ve been into anime for as long as I can , and I can say that most of the characters I’ve met inspired me to do better. They may not be real individuals, but the impact they’ve had on someone’s life is real. As I was reading the challenge blog, it reminded me of scenes from a specific anime that deeply stirred my emotions at the most unexpected moment. It was the most vulnerable state of my life, and if I were to write a letter to my younger self, I would want it to be received by this version of me.

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As I recollect the echoes of my past, simply existing feels like a battle. It was the moment when I could no longer see the meaning of everything. I existed, yet I felt nothing. Each moment ed was harder to bear as time slipped by. I simply wait for the day to . Time and again, I find myself staring into nothingness until I see myself browsing for something that can distract my thoughts. It has been a while since I last watched anime, but for some reason, something inside me urged me to delve into it, and the anime that happened to catch my interest at that time was Noragami. It was a spur-of-the-moment thing, and I simply watched just so the noise I heard inside my head died down.

Season One, Episode 3, 20:23 — these words that Yato uttered shattered the facade I wore.

The tears that I kept from falling had flowed like a river. The silent night was filled with nothing but my sob, something I thought I was not capable of. Yato’s words stung like a thousand knives piercing my heart, and it hurts me so because I almost did. Those thoughts crossed my mind multiple times, yet whenever I tried to, something was always holding me back. It was hard, and I felt alone. When it was too heavy to carry, I tried to open up, but they just brushed it off as, others have it harder, hang in there. I felt rejected, so I closed myself off to others and painted myself with a smile to make it seem that everything was alright. But when I heard these very words from Yato, the stoic face broke into a sob, and I cried all the pain away that night. It was the words I didn’t expect I needed. I guess it’s His way of saying that you are not alone, child, I am still here with you. I believe it’s no coincidence because out of all the anime to watch, why this one? Ever since then, this anime has always had a special place in my heart. Thus, the words of wisdom I have learned from it have been engraved on my heart.

╌╌╌

“Are you crying again?

Thinking when will this end?

Don't worry, love

’Cause things will be alright.”

━━━━━━━━━━━•••

My Younger self,

It has been a while. How many years has it been? We have been through a lot, but look at us now, we’re someone stronger who can endure what life throws at us. I still cry, but those thoughts we had before rarely come to mind, but I am okay. Times can be hard, you know life is always like that, it’s more of surviving than living, yet there’s still beauty in it. I learned to appreciate it more, which we failed to see before, as we were blinded by the pain and the burden we were carrying. Looking back, I was pretty hard on you during that time. I failed to check up on you, whether you’re still doing okay or not. You worked so hard to the point of exhaustion, burdened with all the responsibilities that you already forgot about yourself.

Thinking about what happened that time, still have a pang in my heart, but I am proud of you because you were able to get through that. It was not easy, you were young. People said that people who resort to that were weak, but we both know we are not. We are strong. No one will be able to understand the battle we had to endure to get through that, so I wouldn’t blame you for resorting to such thoughts. I am just glad and amazed that you didn’t actually do it. I can still the night that you cried your eyes out after hearing those words from Yato. How the thought of our mom crying and becoming the reason for her smile to fade away opened our eyes. We know that she will blame herself and will never forgive herself if something happens to us when she’s far away and won’t be able to do anything.

I told her about what happened, I opened up to her, and just seeing her tears while I was breaking down hurt more than I felt that time. It’s like I was slapped in the face and promised her that if I'm going through something, she’s the first person I could always count on. We were just too blind to see that there were people who cared because we were too focused on our own pain and self-pity. There are people out there who wished and wanted to live but couldn’t due to their circumstances, and yet there we were, thinking of how to end it. I apologize if I have you reached that point. I wish you had known sooner to come to our mother when it felt so heavy than having the burden by yourself, it wouldn’t have reached that. You would have known that there was one person who would make you realize that no matter how hard life is, there’s still beauty in it, and it is a gift given to us.

[… to be continued.]

━━━━━━━━━━━•••

Season One, Episode 8, 17:29 — hearing these words from Yato opened my eyes.

A bitter smile formed on my lips as I watched this scene. I realized how blinded I was by the fact that I had people I called friends, yet no one saw the pain I was carrying. I was there when it was they who were struggling, yet no one was there when it was I who needed them. I was always available, their ‘go-to’ person, but I realized I never had one of my own. When I decided to open up and tell my struggles, I was brushed off, and they started telling me that they have it harder, and this person has it harder. I didn’t know it was a competition to see who had it worse, but it’s not about who had it worse. We have different ways of coping with pain. Some things may seem easy for them, but for others, it’s already hard; it just comes down to perspective, but they never see that, they only see themselves, so I gave up and decided to keep it all to myself.

╌╌╌

“People may let you down

But I am telling you this now

You are valued, you are worth it

You deserve nothing but the best.”

━━━━━━━━━━━•••

[...]

I how naive you were. You were young, and so you just saw the good things in people and failed to see that as you helped them, little by little, you’re falling apart. I saw how you struggle to make yourself belong to them. You did not realize that they just ed you when they needed you and forgot about your existence when they didn’t. You were a pushover who didn’t know how to say no. You will always worry about what they might say about you, and you always explain yourself too much when you don’t owe them explanations. You were so kind for your own good that, even though you were already being exploited, you thought you were special, but you weren’t; you were just someone they needed. And when they don’t need you anymore, you’re someone who is easily discarded.

But when you heard these words from Yato, you realized that you don’t really need a lot of friends. You know how quality supersedes quantity. I am glad you decided to cut them off from your life and that you don’t need to explain yourself to them. You saw your worth and decided not to have yourself exploited. You were disappointed, but I am relieved that you did not close yourself off to the possibility that there are people whom you can connect with and who can understand you. Making friends is easy, but keeping a friend for a long time is never simple. Sometimes we meet them in the least expected scenario, yet they’re the ones who stay. I am proud of you for not being afraid of losing people who don’t see your worth. I wish you had known it sooner; you wouldn’t have been hurt, but I guess it’s something you need to learn and experience to know that life is not always fair.

I also learned from you that up until now, I still apply the words we learned from Yato. I am no longer afraid of what others will think about me if they don’t matter. I cut people off who I know won’t be good for me, and I don’t need to explain myself to them either. It’s totally fine, too, if they do the same. I only keep people who give the same energy as I do. And the friends I made along the way of healing were still with me up until now, which makes me happy, by the way. We don’t have a lot, but they are the ones we can always run to. We can be ourselves too, without being judged, and so are they to us. Friendship is not a one-way street relationship but a two-way one, where both are making efforts. We don’t need to always talk with them, as they also have their own lives, but being there when it matters is what is important. They are also the ones who proved to me that they’ll be enough even if it’s just them.

[… to be continued.]

━━━━━━━━━━━•••

Season 2, Episode 6, 20:15 — Bishamon’s words assured me that I don’t need to be perfect.

It was music to my ears when Bishamon said these words, and I couldn’t help but feel an immense feeling of comfort. These were the words I never thought I needed. I was so hard on myself that I forgot that making mistakes is part of being a human. I had this notion that everything should be perfect, so there should be no room for mistakes. Growing up with a lot of expectations led me to that mindset. If I made even the smallest mistake, I would degrade myself and convince myself that I am stupid, and that it should never happen again. I failed to see and appreciate what I had achieved because I focused too much on how others saw me. I should have no flaws, and I should always be at my best, but living that life eventually drained me, and I gave in to pressure.

╌╌╌

“You don’t need a validation

You don’t need their recognition

You don’t need others’ opinions to feel loved

You don’t need to mind what they say

Just let it all away, always keep this in mind every day

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.”

━━━━━━━━━━━•••

[...]

This was the version of our life where we were hurt the most, lacking self-love, living for what others wanted instead of ourselves. I saw your struggles as you live your life in perfection. You were the good daughter. You always obeyed them and listened to what they wanted, even if it wasn’t what you wanted, simply because you didn’t want to disappoint them. You are always being an example to your younger sibling and cousins. And so you tried your best to look perfect for them. You were an overachiever so that you could make your parents proud. You were the best in your team, always being praised by your manager. You always finish your task ahead of time, and you always make sure everything is perfect. But making a mistake, even just a small mistake, was enough to make you crumble down. You were so hard on yourself, you were afraid that they won’t see you anymore, the way they’ve seen you. It’s no wonder you broke down.

When you heard Bishamon’s words to Kazuma, though it may not have had the same strong impact as Yato’s words, you were deeply affected. Her words just assured you that you don’t need to be perfect, that it is okay to make mistakes. Having mistakes doesn’t define us as a person, and that’s what makes us human. If we happen to make mistakes, we can always strive to become a better version of ourselves. Those words she said just gave you motivation to change for the better. You resigned from the company, which was draining you even without a backup plan. You needed that break, you deserve that. It was hard to change right away, but you did slowly. You tried to be less cautious about what others think about you. You were less stressed and didn’t overthink too much when you made even the smallest mistake, and for that, I am so proud of you.

You see, I am not afraid to make mistakes even now. If I did, I would just apologize, correct if needed, and move on. It’s okay as long as it’s not a grave mistake. I am more at ease now, and I don’t overthink anymore if it has already happened; after all, there’s nothing I can do anymore, and overthinking wouldn’t help anyway. I am not hard on myself about things I won’t be able to control. I may no longer be the perfect version they had in mind, but it’s totally fine with me. At least I will no longer live up to their expectations. I can breathe now, without the shackles of perfection. If only you knew of this beforehand, you wouldn’t have experienced the things that made you suffer for making yourself perfect in their eyes. You could’ve focused on yourself more, that even with flaws, you are imperfectly perfect and I will always be proud of you.

Yours Truly,

The one who loves you.

━━━━━━━━━━━•••

I couldn’t help but be emotional as I was writing this. It’s like I was talking to my younger self, and how proud I am of her for being so strong. I am glad she did not give up, because I wouldn’t be here if she had. How I love her so much and how grateful I am that she made it. My friends know how special Noragami is to me because I told them how much those words of Yato had helped me when I was at my lowest time. Watching it was the best decision I have ever made. Never did I expect it would have that impact on me, and I know it was no coincidence that I watched it during that time because I really needed to hear those words. I simply just love everything about this anime. The characters are just so inspiring, especially Yato. His words have a way to your heart that you couldn’t help but be in awe. There are actually a lot more lessons you will learn and discover in the anime, which I did not include anymore, as it did not have a personal connection with me, but can be an inspiration and motivation.

Also, this blog was inspired by the song Loved by Shane G. It helped me a lot to write this blog as well as for the format. I was considering not ing the event, but I eventually did as I was inspired to do so, and it was not an easy decision either to tell something personal about myself. I feel like I laid myself bare in this blog, but it felt good after I finished writing the letter. It’s like I have said the words I needed to say for myself, and reading the letter from the perspective of the recipient had me shed some tears. I had really gone through a lot. And it was also thanks to Noragami for being there for me when I needed it the most. I really believe that everything happens for a reason. And with that, I wouldn’t make this any longer, and so to end this blog, I wanted to say;

Dear Myself,

that you are loved.