Hanji's Entry

I previously posted this is in two parts for a competition, but for my SS application I have combined the two because it was meant to be read as one.

"Hiii, so, I'm Hanji Zoë and I saw some of the kids writing in journals, I overheard Armin talking about how it was a way they could destress so I thought, "Why not?" And here we are. I can feel Levi's eyes boring into my soul as I write, but I don't question it at this point.

So, if I'm supposed to destress, I guess I start writing where the stress began? Being in the Survey Corps has always been stressful, but most of us have grown to handle that stress, so we take it in our stride and it becomes part of us. The stress only grew to become unbearable when Erwin, the 13th Commander, died.

It's the year 853 and I am currently the 14th Commander of the Survey Corps, or what's left of it anyway. A couple hundred of us were wiped out roughly three years ago and we never quite recovered from it, neither in our numbers or in the emotional burden we carry.

I don't know why Erwin set me up to be the next Commander, I can't handle it nearly as well as he can - could. Armin would've made a better choice, or even Levi, he's good at distancing himself. Then again, he and Erwin had their issues sometimes, so maybe he wouldn't have made the best replacement. Armin would've been perfect though, the two got along well enough to exchange ideas and they never disagreed with each other.

I'll have him become Commander after me. I may not have had the title for long but us Commanders tend to die or wear down sooner than people without rank, so it's better to be prepared.

Enough about Commanders though. The second stresser, right after being a Commander, is Marley.

We've recently discovered that we're not the last remnants of humanity that we thought we were ever since the walls were built. Grisha Jaeger's basement told us as much, then a few years later we knew for a fact that his words were true, how? Because Marley sent over armed ships to Paradis in hopes to eradicate us, little did they know that we had Eren, who became their greatest threat and kept them in line.

I'm pretty sure they're trying to help us now, why else would they teach us about their weaponry and how it all works? Levi thinks I'm giving too many of my emotions away, he's probably right, but I can't help it! Learning about the Marleyans reminds me of the days when titans roamed the earth and my goals consisted of capturing and learning about them, not leading people into battle. I was almost...carefree, back then.

I see how I was irresponsible now, why Erwin needed so much convincing before he let me capture titans, I also see why Levi compromised those missions so many times, he was only backing Erwin up. It's difficult being the leader of a handful of troops, let alone hundreds, I can only imagine the stress he must have been under when I approached him with my titan theories and capturing concepts.

Still, I miss those days. I miss when Levi would shout at me for being irresponsible, rather than inform me of who might kill us and when. I miss when Erwin would look at me with furrowed brows and a look of disappointment in his eyes, his expression always upset me, but now I'd give anything to see it again because it would mean that he was the leader and I wasn't.

Is that selfish? Maybe. Levi would certainly think so, given that he thoroughly believes that Erwin deserves to rest. Don't get me wrong, I do too, but the burden is just too much to bear. I don't the last time I laughed, I've managed to spare the kids from some of the worries that are present, enough that they still have it in them to laugh and smile, so that's good at least.

I don't think Levi would understand, but that's why I've been so obsessed about learning more about Marley than we really need to, it gives me a taste of what my life used to be like, about inventing and discovering and learning, it's even brought a smile to my face.

The frequent kicks to elbows to the side remind me of our real goal though, so I'm never happy for too long, but y'know what? It's better than nothing, and the minor abuse reminds me that I'm not alone in this either, Levi may have never had the joys I used to have and therefore has not experienced the loss of them either, but he's still suffering as a result of Erwin's death, we all are, but we remain strong enough to push through and carry on.

I wrote about how the kids still laugh and smile, but I've seen them frown and cry too, they're no less affected than I am.

Armin knows he's next in line for Commander after I die - because I refuse to go down any other way, not after everything we've been through - and he will one day bear the burden I have, that makes it my duty to set an example for him and what better way than to take it in my stride? It's the Survey Corps way after all, we just keep going and we don't know when to quit."