Story WIP - "barricades"

I asked ya'll so I deliver uwu

I haven't form writing like this in a longg while and I didn't really do any planning before hand, just kinda wrote from the top of my head really but I hope it's enjoyable :hearts:

Have my weird little venting story, my apologies for all the spelling and grammar mistakes if any :,)

Edit: put the image that's in the background on here cause it looks prettier uwu, and also it was my inspiration for writing this, it's from episode 49 (season 3)

..........

I sit there on the windowsill ledge, attempting to comfort the strain in my neck.

...How long has it been?? 4 days???

can't seem that way, feels like so much longer.

Some of us already gave up when the commandant simply glared our way.

...how long was it for them?? must've felt way longer huh.

I look down at my hands, they feel bruised on the palms, a fiery tingly sensation that pulses.

...how long can i keep this up??

I honestly thought i was strong, or at least my will was. Guess i never really looked in the mirror lately,  my soul seemed to be as pale as my skin it seems, almost transparent.

My body can only take so much before i snap,

i breathe.

deeply.

...how stupid of me..

as a citizen of Trost i had no other reason to the cadets other than the need to prove myself that was it, that's all that mattered.

My family wasn't eaten, my friends have all chosen different paths,

and here i am, calling my own bluff to think i could handle this.

...

suppose there's giving up, that's an option.

i could work in the fields? there's still labour there but, at least i won't have to lay down my life,

suppose,

that idea still doesn't sound the worst.

...am i really that desperate trying to convince myself that i'm strong? why?

another sigh escapes me, one that begs me to follow. i sit in pain, the afternoon sunlight draping across my legs my head balances on my tight rope of a neck, strained from the day,

i feel like i'll topple if i move, don't want to risk it.

...What was it called?

my head rests against the window anyways, at least i have something to lean on.

as i start to feel uncomfortable i also begin to question why

...why don't i just leave, the physical pain isn't stopping me, if anything it's making it worse by sitting here.

is it my moral? do i still really have that stupid idea-

"oH Kyran there you are!"

my heart skips a beat, i was so deep in my thoughts i just-

"Thought you'd be in the last place i'd look, hey i found extra rations if you need em, you need the strength for tomorrow"

There it is again, strength, why does that always-

"Kyran?!"

I look up, staring a short, chocolate haired girl directly into her autumn eyes.

Autrie Burness.

A member of the 105th training squad in the cadet corps, same as me.

I return my gaze to the window, eyeing out the dirt that seems so far away,

she walks over to me and stops when the dipping sunlight hits her toes.

"Well if you aren't going to answer me i might as well keep these for myself" she teases, i can hear her swinging a bag around with the continents inside shifting.

Slowly i breathe, and sit up properly, swinging my legs around from the ledge and planting them on the ground, feeling a swell of dizziness and a feeling like my feet were falling through the floor.

...Vertigo, that was what it was called.

I look back at Autrie who had now sat down at the table in the centre of this dusty room, can't believe our squad had to get the rustiest cabins they have at this damn camp.

"oh?? sorry did you actually want some? well you didn't say anything"

...she's taunting me? really??

"Sorry, was kinda lost in my own thoughts", my words come out softly, damn my voice sounds so weak all the time.

"Well you'll miss out if you don't get over here right now".

My body is uneasy but i stand anyway and stumble over to the table and take a seat opposite her, sitting there for such a long time was a bad idea, i'm cramped.

"You look really tired, i when we first met you could almost cut a bitch just by staring at em', you giving in or something? already? geez what kinda determination were you holding in before? certainly wasn't to keep the cold away-"

"i'm just, i just need to eat something, i think, my head's not in the right place", i interrupt, taking a can of corn from Autrie's open bag, it's guts spilling all over the table, fitting. only been here 4 days and she's already spread

herself out throughout the cabin.

"well, anyways Tourou's been looking for you too, says he wants to 'have a talk', he didn't really go into much detail apart from that he's eager to see you asap because it's important, The commandant however snatched him as we were having that conversation, probably still with him i guess, you would know what it's about?"

"...No clue..." i'm hesitant in my answer as I open the can and fetch a spoon out of her bag, i forgot about Tourou, he's been the  single weakest mentally in our squad so far,

even i can stand the things he can't in this state of mind,

always looking for an excuse to be doing something else,

hell he could be wanting an excuse from me.

"Well you seem to take things silently so, maybe he's looking for advice?", she questions and lays down her cutlery  that she's been playing with these last few minutes.

"honestly don't know why he ed, the dumbass he's too fragile", folding her arms now.

"Not like he's the first" i say.

She looks up and stares, about to say something when the door swings open.

"SQUARE UP CADETS"

i look at Autrie and she looks back with a bitter tone, her eyes bright and teaming with so many witty things to say.

"Tourou out of every cadet iv'e seen here, i swear on my life you could just kill somebody by glaring at them."

"Why thankyou Autrie, too kind". He bows, weirdly this is the most confident iv'e ever seen him.

"what's up with you? As far as i knew you were never the one to say much back" i say, "let alone something kinda smart".

"let's just say a little chat with the Commandant actually helped this time".

He responds as he sits at the table, dipping his dirty blond hair searching through Autrie's bag for a light snack.

He retrieves a packet of crackers but they tragically fall to the floor as Autrie takes a hit on his arm, it's honestly weird seeing people act like this in cadets it's nothing short of what i expected. Suppose they did come from the same district,

Karaness.

I massage my palms to relieve some of the fiery pain in my palms, knuckles and wrists, it helps.

"Iv'e been meaning to have a conversation with you Kyran, and it's not for Autrie to hear, sorry" Tourou directs at me,

"WHAT then why were you walking with me then if i wasn't going to hear your little confession?".

i look at him and stand up with hands firmly planted on the table.

"Only if it doesn't end in a deal where i get you out of trouble",

"HAH, don't make me laugh, but seriously no it's not can you believe it??"

i release my hands and walk over to the door, vertigo maintained and can of corn finished.

"Then let's walk".

i exit the cabin with Tourou following closesly, i hear a complaint from Autrie as the door closes behind the two of us walking down the track towards the training forest, used to train the second and third years on ODM gear.

"hurry, we still have to be back before curfew"

Tourou takes the lead and goes off track, it's easy to keep up with his pace, he's taller but he has to crawl a whole lot through thicker shrubbery.

The sun dips bellow the horizon making it harder to trudge through the branches, getting smacked in the face every 30 seconds and not having enough time to dodge the violent foliage.

...Why are we headed to the ODM gear training grounds if we aren't practising ourselves? We haven't even got to that part of our training yet so far it's been treks, hikes and exercise..

We stop as we come to a clearing, now that we are out of the shade of the thick shrubbery my eyes adjust.

The full moon emerges from the canopy and its a relief to bee able to see, large trees surround us but end to the left of the clearing, a steep rock-face crumbles down from the edge and reveals a much larger forest stretching out as far as the shadows cluster together too much and blends with the fading sky.

The air smells musty, a light cold breeze sweeps the area, gently disturbing the long grass that hides our feet,

it's a cloudless night, stars start to twinkle into existence.

"Tourou i know we aren't here to train so why the effort to get here of all places? thought you just wanted to chat"

"Well i also wanted to show you something"...

He stands closer to the edge of the clearing, i almost think he was about to throw himself into the gorge until he sits the way he was leaning forward.

I step closer to him until a sharp whizzing sound breaks the evening silence.

My instant reaction is to get lower to the ground and to stay still, i look up at Tourou who doesn't move,

instead he turns around abruptly, pale grey eyes widening as he speaks the words,

"DID YOU SEE  T H A T?"

I stand up and walk to where he sits cautiously, and squat.

"You don't have to sit if you don't want to, honestly i recommend standing i just needed to sit down cause i was tired".

For some reason i trust him, and stand up straight.

Whatever made that sound was obviously gone, i strain to see shapes within the canopy, any sign of anything, anyone.

And there it was, well, there they were.

Lit by moonlight a figure flies through the air somewhat gliding, cables attached to trees rapidly retract and launch, they move fast with a spurt of gas pushing them forward.

...So this is ODM gear...

the figure darts from one side of the forest to the other, a red colour trails behind them and shines in the early evening light, it must be some sort of cloth, a scarf??

they suddenly jerk towards the ground, blades shimmer gracefully as they are brought down to meet a padded mount that sits upon a figure, probably training titan dummies.

A sharp sound echoes as the blades meet and before we know it the cadet was gone.

The night became still.

...

"Kyran i know we aren't the closest of people but, we share something in common..."

Tourou speaks softly and indirectly, to affixed towards the training forest careful to not miss a moment.

"Is that so?" i respond, realising that my fists were clenched and my hands were sweaty, however i do not yeild.

"...I honestly thought we were quite the opposite you and me, you had fire, but i noticed that fire is dying", he continues as i stand silently,

"not like it's any of my business of coarse, hell you don't really need to listen to what i'm about to say, but, i wan't to help".

He looks at me and i sit, hand on my chest, he sighs and eyes shift away.

"i know what it's like for that fire to die, seen it in many people, believe it or not i was a really feisty kid, strong too. Military Police always brought me back to my mother by the ears and she'd shake her head. every time. Not sure

what came over me but one day all that anger vanished, and in that moment I started crying, for the first time. Years of built up emotion coming down at once. From then on i was pretty quiet, startled everyone i knew..."

"...i'd give anything to get that kind of determination back, that will to fight for something, after all it's why i ed

the cadets."

I looked at him as he looked to his feet, his voice so soft and gentle, i can't imagine this image in the form of fiery spirit. He turns to me, eyes resting in a pool of tears prepping themselves to fall.

"So, why'd you ?"

My own eyes widen, countless thoughts run through my head. I'm taken aback.

"well," i pause, searching for the words, it must've taken me a long time to respond because he smiles and chuckles to

himself, "alright that was my bad, that was the wrong question to ask, my apologies."

He scratches his head and continues,

"what i meant was, why haven't you quit? you've had plenty of time to do so yet you watch others step down, there has to be a reason. What was that strength you had in you just days ago??".

...

i sit back on my hands and take a deep sigh,

...Do i really want to tell  h i m  this?? It's so stupid and pointless, but maybe, maybe i could vent it out. Tourou seems more trustworthy than the others, suppose i owe him one for opening up to me tonight...

"Strength?? What strength," i laugh.

"What you saw was the dream of a boy who only wanted to find a purpose and to take that chance to prove himself... My father used to tell me i was strong, physically would be a stretch but he and my mother agreed that they saw potential in my soul? somehow. i believed them, but i think it was motivation without a goal. If anything could help me find that goal it would be the cadets, and for a while i thought i had it figured out but recently iv'e come to realise how foolish i was to even think i was strong enough, i have no reason to fight so why bother? i don't know"..

The wind whistled through the trees and the grass, it was getting cold and my nose and fingers had dropped in temperature significantly in the breeze.

Something felt different saying my thoughts aloud, let alone for somebody else to hear, my heart shifted.

"You're foolish indeed," Tourou spoke up, my eyes darted to meet his, i felt offended.

..why?...

"You have plenty of reason to fight, it doesn't even need to be personal like your mother being eaten or anything like that, after all my father actually left when i was little, could of been fuel to my restlessness for a while but iv'e met people who can never let something like that go, until it was justified. So what you're thinking is that you have to use an excuse to be a soldier?".

...Is that really what i sound like?...

"i-"

"no, i get where you're coming from," he continues. "Suppose after looking at someone like me and now knowing about my father you'd expect me to seek revenge but that's not the case, if anything my mother is more of my reason to fight".

We sit in silence for a short while, i look up at the early moon, it was nearly time to go back so we could make it to curfew. I think about my words and his, and i realise-

"you know, you could always fight for yourself, there's a reason"

He looks towards the forest as a group of 5 cadets all fly to the west, where the entrance is and the booming voice of the Commandant shatters even the whipping sounds of ODM gear, we should go.

I stand up, takes a bit of energy, my bones need a rest. My face feels numb and my chest feels frigid but despite this i feel something deep inside awaken.

"Thankyou, Tourou..." i stumble with my words, he stands and catches my arm, must've looked like i was about to fall. Not surprising.

"No need to thank me, really, just wanted to let you know,

hey promise me something..."

"uh, sure",

"...You are always capable, don't ever listen to your mind, trust your instincts."

And with that he lets go of my arm and trudges through the grass to where we came from,

i follow.

we slip silently through the brush and end up back at the edge of camp in minutes, Tourou seems to have great direction sense, he shakes my hand and i let him head to our cabin without me, i want to take my time.

Above i'm reminded of how small our world is as stars stretch beyond our capability of understanding, i breathe.

In this moment my instincts are telling me,

that Tourou is right.

..........