Once upon a new year’s eve Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen were throwing their new years bash in times square. The mood was merry, jocund even, and celebrations were being held by many anchors. The evil black giraffe swung its head all over above the crowds and behind the anchors. This isn’t very important just a silly detail. It was all fun and games until the guest line up got a little… unpredictable.
As Patti LuPone made her way off the stage, a strange man appeared on the railing of the platform behind the two fellows. “RASHOMON!!!!!!” He hollered, snatching the microphone with a funky ability. “Weretiger if you’re watching this, watch your back. Catch me on the streets and YOU’RE DEAD. Also, a little message t-“ But he could not continue his message as Andy Cohen quickly got out a comically large hammer, Anderson Cooper readying a large boot. Andy used the hammer to promptly ban the goth fellow, Anderson’s boot booting him into the crowds below the raised platform.
Next on the list they were to interview Davy Jones. It was all fun and games until Davy Jones opened his locker. The smell was so rancid that the entirety of times square turned into a cleanup crew and brought in spray bottles of sanitary rubbing alcohol. The CNN swat team was NOT HAVING IT with alcohol on the premises, and quickly intercepted the cleanup crew. Soon a war had broken out in times square. As the two anchors were distracted with watching the war, a new anchor established her presence on the stage. Her name was Dynamite Watkins. She narrated and narrated until the swat team and the cleanup crew settled down and went back to partying.
It was all fun and games again, Dynamite Watkins, Anderson Cooper, and Andy Cohen all participating in some New Years banter until it was about 10 minutes to the yearly ball dropping event. Suddenly a blizzard of purple and yellow Planet Fitness themed confetti blasted the anchors, knocking them all over. It was a miracle they didn’t go flying off their news platform. The confetti happened to come from the enemy team of anchors deemed Dick Clark, lead by Ryan Seacrest.
“CURSE YOU RYAN SEACREST!!!!” Hollered Andy Cohen, shaking his fist, Anderson Cooper ing in. Before Ryan Seacrest could throw back a sharp rebuttal, all of the spotlights kicked on, shining onto a glistening glass ball. Unlike other years, the ball was not set to drop at the top of a pole. It was just freestanding on the top of the building, tethered down on some ropes. It left everyone curious, until the host of the 2023 ball dropping event emerged.
A short, stocky little man emerged into the limelight next to the ball. He had a freaky little half robotic face, a tuft of green hair, and a tricky little chicken hand on his left. “GOOD EVENING!” He hollered into his microphone, the sound of the greeting booming all throughout the state of New York. The crowd let out such a booming and hearty cheer in response, but Dynamite Watkins stared in shock before exclaiming into her microphone“THAT’S LORD BOXMAN!!!! JUST WHAT DEVIOUS PLAN DOES HE HAVE IN STORE FOR THE SQUARE?”
Unfortunately the crowd didn’t share her worry as they didn’t recognize the felonius fellow. He began the countdown smiling a sharp toothed smile. “THREE TWO ONE. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!” The crowds exclaimed. They cheered joyously until the ball was BOOTED OFF THE TOP OF THE BUILDING. Despite being glass, it started to roll amock in the horrendous plaza that was times square. Crowds went fleeing in all directions. The anchors stayed and watched from their tall platforms.
All hell broke loose until a genius man dressed like a little orphan boy wheeled in a catapult. His calculations were just right as the dropped ball rolled straight into the catapult. He pulled the string and the ball flung right up to Boxman, smacking into him and flying into space, carrying the felon with it. Everyone cheered and sang “the ants go marching one by one hurrah hurrah”.
Everything ended gloriously as ever. Everyone clapped, and the president shook their hands. Ryan Seacrest was blown out of the square with a leaf blower by staff. The genius man, deemed Ranpo, was celebrated as a hero and gifted the most delicious of snacks. Andy Cohen and Anderson Cooper were allowed to have a few swigs of festive drinks as CNN swat was too busy celebrating to care. Everyone lived a happy 2023 ever after. THE END!
(I forgot to include something about richard quest so here’s som footage)
Comments (2)