Step

tw: issues w/ eating, panic attacks

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“Evan, we need to go!” I hear Jared yell from outside my room

I look up from my notebook, “No we don’t!”

We’re going to a Connor Murphy Concert tonight. We don’t need to leave for another hour to make it on time but of course Jared wants to go early. I don’t want to go at all so I’m trying to avoid it for as long as possible.

Don’t get my wrong, I love Connor Murphy. I’m obsessed with all of his songs. I know all of them but heart. But concerts? Not my thing. They’re way too loud and crowded and you get shoved around and, just, no. No way. Never.

Jared on the other hand, has been to a concert for every single one of Connor Murphy’s tours and this year, he decided to drag me along. I’m glad though that he decided to do so this year out of all of them because my favorite song is on this album.

It’s called Disappear -which is actually the song this album is named after- and honestly, it’s so relatable. I don’t know how Connor does it. Something must run in the family because his sister, Zoe Murphy is famous too, but she’s an actress. Jared and I have seen all of her movies. I guess you could say we’re big fans of the Murphy siblings. She’s actually on tour with Connor. Not to perform on stage or anything. I think to be more like moral .

I focus back on what I’m writing. It’s a song I’ve been working on for awhile. I just can’t seem to get it right. I write songs frequently but only Jared knows. Usually when I’m done I just rip them from my notebook and throw it away. I hate everything I write, but it’s fun to do it. This song feels different though. If I could only get this verse right!

Jared bursts into my room and looks at what I’m doing, “You writing again, Ev?”

I nod.

“Well, you can do that when we get back, come on, let’s go” he grabs my arm and drags me to my feet

I look at his shirt. It’s an oversized black Connor Murphy one from last year’s tour. I’m guessing he’s planning on getting a new one tonight. He always does.

“You know,” I say, sitting on my bed, “Maybe you should just go by yourself? I’m, I’m not really feeling so good?”

It’s true at least. I feel sick to my stomach with dread.

Jared will have none of this though. He sits down next to me on the bed. “You are not backing out on me. Absolutely not.”

“Please?” I beg

“No,” he looks at me sternly, “You’re coming and you’re going to like it. And then you’re going to thank me for making you go.”

I a time back in high school when I was bigger and taller than him. It wasn’t until last year, our first year of college that he shot up. He’s pretty tall now, while I’m still the same short height that I was at seventeen.

I’ve also lost a lot of weight in the past couple years too. Not purposefully or in a healthy way either. My anxiety started blocking out what little appetite I’d still had and now, I hardly eat unless Jared practically shoves it down my throat. It’s not pleasant, but I’m almost twenty pounds underweight and I know he’s just trying to help.

So yeah, my anxiety hasn’t really gotten any better since high school. If anything, it may have become worse. I try not to think that way though. I’m trying to be less negative about myself, but hey, who am I kidding?

Jared pecks my lips quickly. I roll my eyes. We're not in a relationship but sometimes we do relationship things- like kiss.

Truthfully, I’m getting kind of sick of it. I want to be in a relationship. I want to do this with someone who loves me. But it’s not like someone will ever want me, so, we stick to it.

When we get to the concert, the sky is already dark and it’s crowded with people. I feel my chest tighten immediately and I stop walking.

Jared notices and takes my hands in his, “Hey, it’s okay, Ev. Do you want to take your pill?”

He and I both know it’s an empty offer. I can’t take my pill right now. Though they’re helpful in calming me down, they practically sedate me and I always fall asleep after. Fighting to stay awake at the concert would just make this night all the more miserable.

I shake my head and Jared nods in understanding.

“Look, we’re going to have a fun time, I promise. I know this is scary but…” I tune him out as I take in the sight

The outside of the building looks no different than the exterior of a baseball field. Well, they probably are built almost identically. They serve basically the same purpose anyway. Jared, who hates every sport, would kill me if I had said that out loud.

Posters for the concert line the outside of the building and it on street lamp banners all down the street as well as around the whole city. I’d been seeing them wherever I go for the past month which filled me with dread as it reminded me I would have to go tonight.

I can see lights coming out of the building’s open ceiling and loud, thundering cheering as some band opens the show.

I begin taking steps backwards. Jared stops talking and grabs my arms. I look back at him.

“I, I can’t do this”

He smiles reassuringly, “Yes, you can , Ev! You’ve gotten so much better,”

We both know that’s a lie.

This is way too much and I’m not going to be able to do this-

“Evan, no. I know what you’re thinking. Stop, okay? These are front-row seats to our favorite singer and you’re doing this”

I shake my head frantically so Jared grips my chin to stop me. He gives me a look that’s both empathetic and commanding at the same time. I’ve never been able to defy him when he looks at me like that and I have a feeling I’m not going to start now.

“Look, I’m going to be right there the whole time. It’s not like I’m going to just leave you by yourself”

I try to shake my head again but he’s still holding my chin.

“I know you. You’re going to regret this if you don’t do it”

He has me there. It happens every time, beginning with the time back when we were kids and our parents wanted to take us to Six Flags. It was actually right before my dad left so I it like it only happened yesterday.

It’s one of the few memories of him I have left. Anyway, Jared and I were so excited to go. My dad had already bought the tickets for our family, but that morning, I became too scared to go. Both my mom and him tried to coax me into it but I refused. So they left me home with a babysitter since the tickets were so expensive. I realized how much fun they had as soon as they returned with their faces painted, prizes in hand, and smiles on their faces, as if they were children themselves. I’d cried all night because I had wished I’d gone. I regretted it more than ever, ever since my dad left because that was one of the last days he looked at my mom like he still loved her and I wanted to see it as much as I could.

The most recent time it happened was last month when my favorite author had a meet-and-greet book g at the bookstore a few blocks away. I had chickened out right before I’d left. Jared had left me at the apartment all day. When he came back that night, he handed me a signed copy of the author’s new book and told me to open it. Their signature was scribbled on the inside cover. Jared had waited in line for hours to get it for me.

But I know he’s not going to do something like that again. Not because he’s not an amazing friend, but because he is . We both know I’ve got to face this stuff eventually or it’s just going to keep becoming worse. I can’t keep hiding forever, as much as I want to.

So I guess that’s how I end up at Jared’s side as everyone screams and cheers for Connor Murphy as he sings. Jared wasn’t kidding about them being front-row seats. We’re literally in the third row. Though, in a way, that makes it worse because up here are the superfans an they cheer louder than them all.

I’m not cheering though. I’m not sitting down either, I don’t want to draw any attention to myself. So I stand there, clutching the front of my shirt anxiously, my whole body rigid. I hunch my shoulders as if that will protect me from all this...everything.

It’s just way too much. I can’t breathe. People accidently shove me around and it takes all of my effort to stay standing. I clench my teeth and look back at Connor Murphy, trying to distract myself.

I swear to god, he’s looking right back at me as he sings. It causes me to try to make myself smaller, melt into the crowd.

He probably thinks I’m a freak. Oh god. I feel my body shaking which means other people would notice it if they looked. Hopefully they’re too distracted to see anything.

I look at Jared, Please get me out of here, I want to beg. But it’s so loud, he would never hear me and I can’t get myself to make a sound. Besides, he’s too must screaming along to the song.

I think this is what hell will be looking like for me.

There’s a pause at the end of the song where Connor steps off stage for a moment. I wonder what it’s about but he’s back in no time and he continues like nothing happened. But from my angle, I could see him talking to a security guard. Is something wrong?

Jared takes this time to turn to me, smiling ecstatically until he looks at me and his face falls.

“Are you okay? That was a stupid question, you’re not okay. Should we go? I’m sorry, this was a bad idea, let’s go”

Yes, please! I want to exclaim but then I how happy he was a moment ago. I don’t want to ruin this night for him. No way.

I shake my head.

“Are you sure?” I can see how relieved he looks that he gets to stay

I nod.

The rest of the concert isn’t any easier but at last, Connor Murphy says his last few words to close out the show. And it’s over.

Immediately, someone grabs my arm tightly and it’s not Jared. I yelp and jerk my arm back but the person’s grip is too strong. I  look at who the person is and my eyes widen.

It’s the security guy Connor Murphy was talking to.

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to come with me”

If I was freaking out before, I don’t even know how to describe what I’m feeling now.

My breathing is too fast, my heartbeat is too rapid. Still, it’s a bad time to take my pill. I need to be awake.

Connor Murphy must have got the security because I looked like a whacko. The guard is probably going to take me to the police or, or escort me out so he makes sure I actually leave, or maybe he’s going to beat me up.

I look at Jared and he understands what I need.

“I’m coming too” he tells the guard

“I’m afraid not. Just him”

Jared doesn’t argue. I don’t blame him. This guy is huge, and it’s all muscle. He’s not the kind of person you want to piss off or even disobey. I’m so screwed.

The guard pulls my arm and drags me away. I stumble to my feet as I try to catch up. We get strange looks from people as they head towards the exits or T-shirt stands for a last minute memento of the show.

I don’t say a word. I don’t want to annoy him and make things even worse. Besides, I’m too scared to even get my words out.

He opens a door with a sign saying NO PUBLIC ENTRY and had another guard standing by it to make sure nobody comes in that isn’t supposed to. We step through the door and enter a long hallway.

I gulp.

For once, I don’t regret missing out but instead, attending. None of this would be happening if I’d just stayed at home. For a moment I blame Jared before I realize that’s ridiculous. I’m sure he wouldn’t have made me come if I really didn’t want to. Then again, I really didn’t want to.

We’ve come to a stop outside a door. There was a sign that had been taped on it but it was ripped of so only the corners remained.

“How many times to we have to tell him that he needs to leave the sign on?” the guard grumbled before opening the door

I move behind him impulsively. The guard has let go of my arm and I debate whether or not I should run. I decide whether or not to, considering the guard is probably much faster and might taser me or something.

“He’s here” the guard says to someone in the room

I try to stop my shaking but it only seems to be getting worse.

“Uh, where?” the person says and his voice sounds all-too-familiar

“Right-” the guard looks to the left of him where I was before and realizes that I’m not there. He looks behind him and grabs me, pushing me into the room.

I immediately scramble back towards the door until my back hits the guard’s chest. I look around frantically.

It’s a plain room with bare walls. There’s a makeup desk with a mirror that’s lined with strips of light. Clothes are strewn about the room- all black. There’s a gray couch with a bunch of pillows and on that couch sits Connor Murphy.

I cry out in surprise and try to run but the guard’s still there blocking the doorway and I just run right into him.

“Wait, wait, wait, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you! I just wanted to see if you were okay, I saw you during the show and you seemed kind of freaked out-”

“I told you this would be weird. Just let him go back, you’re freaking him out” says a girl’s voice

I whip my head around to where it came from and see Zoe Murphy sitting perched on a comfy chair.

“Am I freaking you out?” he asks me

I don’t know how to respond because quite honestly, this whole situation is freaking me out. I came here to go to a concert and now Connor Murphy, my favorite singer in the world, is probably thinking I’m a complete weirdo.

“I-I don’t, I don’t, why am I here? Did, did I do something w-wrong?” I twist the front of my shirt

Connor Murphy stands, and oh my god, he’s just as tall in person as the say he is. He starts walking towards me and I press myself against the wall next to the door. He stops advancing.

It’s not that I’m afraid of him (not that he has the best reputation), but everything right now is just so overwhelming and I just need to get out of here and breathe.

“No! No of course not! I just wanted to make sure you’re okay”

I close my eyes and gasp out, “I’m, I’m o-okay”

“You don’t look okay” and this time his voice comes from right in front of me, meaning he must be too

I whimper. This is all too much. Too much. I slide to the floor and cover my face in my hands. This is so mortifying.

“Connor, you’re scaring him!” I hear Zoe say more sternly

“Oh, fuck off, Zoe. Get out.”

And I hear her storm out, shutting the door and I have a feeling that means his bodyguard isn’t here either. I open my eyes and Connor Murphy is sitting down in front of me. He hold out a water bottle, offering it to me. Somebody had already drank out of it, and as thrilled as I might me to get a chance to share my germs with Connor Murphy, I shake my head. He tries to take my hand but I jerk it back against my chest.

He throws his hands in the air in desperation, “Am I scaring you?” he asks kind of aggressively and I can tell he’s getting frustrated

I curl my legs in closer to my body and shake my head. Even if he was, I’d be too afraid to say so.

I see relief spread across his face, “Anxiety?”

I nod reluctantly. Now he definitely thinks I’m a freak. Nice going, Evan.

He chews on his lip, “Look, you might think this is totally weird but when my mom and I were closer, she would give me hugs when my anxiety got this bad…”

Connor Murphy has anxiety? That feels so impossible, He seems so perfect.

“...and maybe that helps you?”

I understand what he’s offering and Jared always makes me feel better by holding me. Hugs really do help.

I dive into Connor’s arms and he hugs me tightly, not letting me go. I try to process what the hell’s going on. I’m being held by Connor freaking Murphy as I try to push down an anxiety attack. What the actual hell? I can’t decide if this is the best or worst day in my life. At the moment, I think I might be going with the best.

And then my stomach chooses that moment to rumble. Why? It barely ever makes noises anymore.

Connor pulls away slightly, “Hungry?”

“Y-Yeah” I say quietly

I don’t know why I’m lying. Stomach rumbling or not, I’m not going to be eating anything.

“Did you eat dinner?”

Did I eat dinner? The last time I ate was four days ago.

“No”

“Well neither did I” he stands up and offers his hand to help me up. I take it and notice my shaking has stopped “Well, let’s get something to eat then. It’s on me.”

I would have said yes regardless of who had to pay. I was going somewhere with Connor Murphy!

But my phone starts ringing and I I left Jared. I pick it up and before I even have the chance to say ‘hello’, Jared starts rambling.

“Dude, what the fuck? Are you okay? What happened? I’m outside on the street, they were closing the place down, where are you?”

“I’m fine! I’m okay. I’m with, uh, I’m with Connor Murphy? We’re uh, we were g-going to get dinner if you’re okay with going back home by yourself?”

There’s a long pause. There are so many things wrong with what I just said such as ‘with Connor Murphy’ and me ‘getting dinner’ especially that the two are being put together together...there’s no way he’s going to believe any of that.

Then Jared starts yelling, “Are you fucking with me right now? You think this is a fucking joke? I was so worried about you!” It’s so loud, I have to move the phone away from my ear and I know Connor heard him

“No-” but Connor grabs the phone from my hands

“Fuck off. I’m taking him to dinner, stop being an asshole” he hangs up with an irritated look and hands the phone back to me

I take it hesitantly.

“Sorry, but your friend’s a dick”

I want to protest and explain Jared’s reaction. He’s my friend, I owe it to him to defend him at the very least. But I wasn’t about to cause a disagreement with Connor Murphy so I just force a small laugh instead.

Connor pulls his hood over his head, probably as his disguise. I almost want to laugh because he doesn’t look any different. If anything, he looks even more like himself. But I guess you couldn’t guess it was him either and wearing sunglasses at night is an automatic giveaway for someone not wanting to be recognized.

“Ready?”

I nod and he holds out his hand. This time I take it without hesitation.

We walk discretely out a back exit hand in hand and down the street to where a square full of restaurants are. There are chains as well as nicer ones but Connor pulls me into an old-fashioned looking diner with the AC on full blast. I let go of his hand and rub my arms, trying to create some warmth.

I look around.

The floor tiles are arranged in a black and white checkered pattern. The walls are covered in old newspaper headlines and old-fashioned beach signs. Each table is equipped with a small red jukebox.

Connor drapes something that feels like a blanket over my shoulders before sitting down at a booth in the back corner. I follow him as I cuddle up in the blanket.

But it’s not a blanket, I realize. Because Connor’s not just in a black T-shirt instead of his hoodie.

I look down and sure enough, Connor’s hoodie covers the entirety of my torso and practically goes down to my knees. I feel a blush spread across my face.

I sit down across from him, “You, you g-gave me your…”

“You were cold” he shrugs as if it were merely common sense

“But what if you get co-”

“I never get cold”

“But what if you get recogni-”

“Worth it”

My blush deepens and I duck my head. I sit there, tugging at my shirt until I decide it’s okay and slip my arms through the sleeves and zip it up.

It’s way too big. That’s the first thing I notice. The sleeves go down ed my fingertips. I try to roll them up but it’s so large on my small arms that they just slide back down.

Connor bursts out laughing, “That’s, oh my god, that’s fucking adorable”

I don’t know what to do so I just don’t even say anything and fidget with my hands.

Then two people are standing over us, beaming. It’s a man and a woman but they don’t work here. I try to make myself smaller and I crawl to the other side of the booth until I’m pressed against the wall.

But they’re not looking at me. They’re looking at Connor. Of course! He’s famous after all and he no longer has his hoodie to cover himself with.

“Hi, we’re really sorry to bother you on your date…” the girl says

Date? My eyes widen. This wasn’t a date! Right? I mean, everyone knows Connor Murphy is gay and single but that doesn’t make this a date. Not that I haven’t been hardcore crushing on him for years, but why would he ever want someone like me?

I tune back in to what the girl is saying.

“...we’re huge fans, my brother and I, is it okay if we can get a picture?” she asks almost timidly

Connor gets up “Yeah! Of course!” he stands between them and the girl snaps a few pictures quickly before her and her brother says thanks and run off.

I take a small sip from my glass of water and Connor is staring at me. I scooch back and draw my knees to me chest, hugging them.

He snaps out of whatever the hell that was, “I don’t even know your name”

I chew on my thumbnail anxiously, “Evan,” I mumble quietly

He leans in closer, “Sorry, what? I didn’t hear you.”

“Evan” I say a little louder

He leans forward even more until his body is practically draped across the table and we’re almost touching noses. My whole body is on fire.

Connor gently takes my hand away from my mouth but I flinch, “One more time?” he asks softly

“Evan” I all but whisper

He doesn’t move away but a smile spreads onto his face, “Evan? Cute. I like it,”

I can’t help but stare at him until I notice that he’s shivering.

“You, you are c-cold” I pull away and start unzipping the hoodie so I can give it back

“No I am not,” he denies, then a big shiver travels down his spine, “Okay, maybe a little, but I refuse to take it back. I want you to wear it,”

I take my hand away from the zipper, “A-are, are you sure?”

“Absolutely”

The waitress comes over and I tense up. Okay, so I may not have been to a restaurant in quite a few years. I don’t really like this part. And I’m not even going to eat anything. I had completely forgotten until now. I had been so caught up in getting to spend time with Connor Murphy…

The waitress turns to me after she must have taken Connor’s order, “And for you?”

Nothing, I want to say. But I stare at her with wide eyes, unable to get my words out.

“He’ll just take the same thing” Connor presses on a smile

She writes down the order and leaves. I let out a breath I didn’t know I’d been holding and wait for Connor to question what just happened.

He doesn’t.

“So you live around here?” he asks instead

I nod, “Yes, well, it’s not exactly here here. It’s like an hour walk really, but I guess you could say that. I mean, It’s sort of around here, I guess. Sorry.” I keep tugging at the sweatshirt nervously

“That’s cool. I took a car here and that took awhile with traffic and everything. I just moved here a year ago.”

I just nod because I already knew that, “You, you lived with you um, your, your p-parents before, right? My friend, he uh, said something a-about that?”

He sighs and swirls his water around with the straw. “Didn’t have much of a choice, my dad basically kept me under lock and key. He’s my manager and the owner of the record company I work under, so…”

I frown. I knew Connor Murphy hated his father but wow. He sounds awful, “Is he really t-that, um, that bad?”

Connor nods, “Has me under contract ‘cause I didn’t know what I was was doing back then. I would’ve signed anything” he brings his fist down on the table suddenly and I jump, “He’s a fucking manipulative bastard. I was seventeen when I signed on. Seventeen !”

I hug myself nervously. Had I made him angry? Did I do something wrong?

Connor looks at me and softens a little, “I’m sorry, shit, I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m sorry.”

He reaches his hand across the table for me to take. I don’t.

The food comes about fifteen minutes later. Two burgers with a side of fries. I just pick at the fries, not putting them anywhere near my mouth.

Connor notices halfway through his burger, “Oh, are you vegetarian? We can order something else. I’m sorry, I should’ve asked you instead of just ordering for you. I can-”

Yes, I am vegetarian, which is a little odd since I love plants, but that’s not the problem.

“I’m not hungry” I mumble

Connor’s face turns into one of utter sadness. Who knew getting to eat dinner with your celebrity crush could be so…

I honestly think I’d rather be home right now with Jared. It’s not that I don’t like Connor. I just...I don’t know. Maybe I’m just still too overwhelmed. I’m on the verge of tears and I don’t even know why. This isn’t...it’s not...I kind of just want to curl into a ball and disappear. I can’t even get my thoughts straight.

But he’s really trying with me, I realize. He’s trying to make me happy and he’s trying to make me have a good time. I should at least make an effort.

Reluctantly, I nibble on a fry even though it makes me want to throw up. I peek up at him. He seems a little relieved so I choke down one more.

When he’s had enough to eat, we just sit there in silence. I want to say something but I don’t know what. Thanks, maybe?

“I’m sorry” he blurts out before I can open my mouth

I frown in confusion, “Why?”

He clenches his fists on the table, “I feel like I forced you to have dinner with me and clearly you don’t even want to be here and I keep scaring you. I mean, I probably, ruined your night”

I think back to what Connor said about his anxiety earlier, “You’re, you’re right” I say. His eyes widen, full of hurt and I realize how I must have sounded, “Oh my god! No! I’m so sorry. Not, not about that. I’m an idiot, I;m sorry. I, I just meant, I didn’t believe it before, when you said you have anxiety and this is so rude but I just meant that now I see that you do. I’m so sorry,”

Connor throws his head back laughing. I stare at him, unsure of what to do.

“I need you around. Nobody’s ever made me laugh this much”

I rub the back of my neck and give him a small smile.

“Wait,” he says seriously, “Are you a fan?”

I freeze, getting the feeling that this whole thing would be over if I said yes, “No! No way. No, I was only at the concert because my friend dragged me there,” At least the last part was true.

He breathes out, relieved, “Good, cause I don’t mess with fans. It’s like my only rule.”

Uh oh. What was I getting myself into?

“Here,” he says after a moment and hands me his phone, “Can I have your number?”

My hearts stops, “Seriously?”

“Yes!” he grins

I type my number in and hand his phone back. He looks at it happily.

Connor looks up suddenly, “Hey, it’s late, I should take you home”

“Okay” I whisper

He messages someone on his phone and nods. After he pays the check, he offers his hand out to me hesitantly. I realize it’s because he’s not sure if I’m going to take it after I didn’t during dinner.

But I do. I hold his hands tightly as he leads me from the restaurant.

As Soon as we take a few steps from the door, we’re surrounded. I let out a scared whimper and hide behind Connor, holding even tighter to his hand. I’m shaking again.

Cameras are flashing and there seems to be a hundred people. I can’t breathe even though I’m taking rapid breaths in and out. It’s so loud, everyone’s screaming questions and both Connor and I. He tries to shove people away with his free hand.

Someone grabs my arm and I cry out. I let go of Connor’s hand to cover my ears and I squeeze my eyes shut. I fall to my knees, crying and trying to breathe. I hear a person yelling, Connor, I think, and then someone is picking me up. I wrap my arms around their neck and bury my face in their shoulder. I don’t know who they are but they feel safe.

Then all the noise stops but I don’t open my eyes. I’m still hyperventilating but I can feel myself in someone’s lap being held. They gently pry my hands from my ears.

“Evan, it’s okay,” they say softly and I recognize the voice. It’s Connor, “Evan look at me, it’s okay, you’re safe.”

There’s a part of me that believes him but I’m still in panic mode and I can’t stop hyperventilating or crying. Since my hands can no longer cover my ears, I bunch up the front of the hoodie and hold to it for dear life.

“Please?” his voice is pained and he’s peppering kisses all over my face

Wait-

My eyes snap open and he immediately pulls away

“Sorry,” he says sheepishly

The distance is too wide so I lean forward and snuggle into his chest, where I finally calm down after a while. It takes a little longer to stop the crying though.

I just stay there, still, and look around. We’re in the back of a car and we’re driving to what seems like nowhere. Wasn’t I supposed to go home?

Connor seems to know what I’m thinking, “Uh...what’s your address?”

I tell him and he relays it to the driver.

The car was really fancy with firm black leather seats, that new car smell, infinite legroom, and of course, snacks in the doors.

I turn forward so that my back is against his chest. Connor wraps his arms around my waist. Neither of us say a word and it’s the most relaxed I’ve felt in ages.

The car is lit with soft blue lights that line the door handles and beneath the seats, allowing me to see. We come to frequent stops in the constant heavy traffic. It’s loud outside with cars honking, horns wailing, and pedestrians chatting, but it barely leaks into our quiet haven.

We reach my building all too soon. Connor and I step out and I expect this to be goodbye but he walks me to the door. I realize it must be because I still have his hoodie.

“Oh!” I exclaim and start unzipping it

“Keep it, it looks really cute on you”

I blush and zip it back up.

“I’ll call you?” he asks

“Y-yeah”

Connor moves closer, to my puzzlement and grips my waist. He presses me against the doorway.

I frown in confusion, “Connor? What are you-”

He presses his lips against mine and all but pins me to the wall with his body. I can’t get away, despite my squirming.

He opens his eyes in realization and lets me go, backing away.

“Evan, I’m so s-”

But I’m already inside and I shut the door. I feel my breaths shortening again. He just kissed me.

I need my pills.

I reach into my pants pocket but there’s nothing there. I swear I put a pill there before I left…

I need to get upstairs, fast.

The elevator up to my floor has never been slower. When it finally dings open, I dash down the hall to my door. My hands were almost too shaky to fit the key in the lock.

I burst through the door and find Jared sitting on the couch.

“There you are-”

I run ed him to my room and lunge at the bottle of pills on my desk.

I throw one in my mouth and swallow.

“Evan?” I look up to see Jared standing in the doorway, “What happened, Ev? What’s wrong?”

He comes over and sits down on the floor next to me, wrapping me in his arms. Everything that happened tonight pours out of my mouth. Evanthe part where Connor kissed me.

I look at him when I’m finished.

He’s just staring at me for awhile before his eyes narrow and he pushes me out of his lap, standing up.

“I thought you had grown out of this whole fucking lying thing, Evan”

“But, but I’m not! It’s true!”

Jared rolls his eyes and leaves, shutting the door behind him.

I sniff.

Jared doesn’t even trust me anymore. Not after senior year of high school…

I sit on the floor for a while, before the meds fully kick in and I crawl into bed.

-

“Evan! Evan!” someone shakes me awake

I turn over and bury my face in my pillow but they grab my waist and pull me into a sitting position. I immediately slouch.

“Evan, look!” then a bright phone screen is shoved in my face

“Agh!” I cover my eyes

“I can’t believe I didn’t believe you, look! You’re everywhere! Oh my god!” I realize the person is Jared

I run my eyes and squint at the screen. It’s a Buzzfeed post with a picture of Connor and I outside the diner as the cover of it. It’s a rear picture of me hiding behind Connor as people surround us. The headline says: CONNOR MURPHY’S DATE HAS PANIC ATTACK AS THE PAIR GETS MOBBED.

My breath catches as I read the article.

Last night, immediately following Connor Murphy’s performance on his tour of Disappear , the singer and his date, later identified as Evan Hansen, get surrounded outside of Louise’s Diner a few blocks away from where the concert was held. Evan, said to have severe anxiety was caused to have a panic attack. Some pictures depict people trying to grab him to ask questions, violating laws protecting celebrities from harm. Connor Murphy, who had his car already waiting outside was able to carry him away from the crowd. Both Murphy and Hansen got away safely.

Below are a bunch of picture of what happened. I scroll past them and reach the end of the article.

I cover my face.

“It wasn’t even a date,” is all I can think to say

This is probably my worst nightmare.

“Read the comments”

“I don’t want to”

“Read them”

I sigh and pick back up the phone reluctantly, clicking on the comments section.

This crosses a line.

Don’ these people know what anxiety is? They couldn’t tell that needed to back off?

This is absurd, that was cruel!

“They’re taking your side, Evan!”

I put the phone down again, “I don’t want them to. I don’t want them to know me at all!”

Jared doesn’t listen, “What’s he like? I bet he was super protective. I heard he gets protective over people.”

I groan.

All I can do now is wait for Connor to call.

Days go by, then weeks, then a month, but still, nothing. I guess I ruined it with him. Or maybe he found out I was a fan. Why would someone like Connor Murphy want me anyway? It was one night, one night I got to spend with him. Fantasies don’t last forever after all.

He’s probably already with someone else, someone worth his while.

I try to move on with my life. Nobody harasses me or even tries to take a picture when I’m out in public, but I can tell they know who I am. Everybody does. But it seems they’re too afraid after the media backlash.

I talk to my mom about it. She tells me to get on with my life. Maybe he’s just been busy lately, maybe he just won’t call. Either way, she says not to stay hung up about it.

I try to listen but I’ve just been so miserable lately. It’s like during that night with Connor, I’d been shown the world for the first time, filled with color and ever since, it’s just gone back to being black and white.

Jared and I fall back into the same routine with each other, and eventually so does the rest of my life. I guess that’s just how it ends when you’re just Evan Hansen.                                                                           --------------------------                                                   Thanks for reading! I hope you liked it. :3 If you want, there's a second chapter to this-