relationships are a fucking nightmare.
I hate them, so fucking much.
First partner, ended because they weren't actually interested and just 'felt bad' for me
Second partner, used me to get rid of their problems and then ditched me when i wasn't useful anymore.
Third partner, was one of the Seconds 'problems', i soon found out why, when i found out they're a pedophile, lied to me the whole time, constantly called me by pet names i don't like, couldn't even my name, isolated me from people and hoarded my attention in an unhealthy way using abusive methods like "if you don't talk to me right now I'm gonna kill myself", that kinda shit.
Fourth partner, said i wasn't affectionate enough to them, then said i was too affectionate towards other people [I'm not visibly affectionate in general because, y'know, the previous partner fucked up my everything]
this is partner then told people that i sexually assaulted them.
I'm asexual.
I hate myself too much to even accept a fake compliment and i am literally 5 foot NOTHING and have the bone strength of a fucking twig.
Fifth partner, they're one of those fake mental illness tiktokers so i broke up with them, so they told everyone i was abusive as fuck.
coming from the person who broke my glasses and genuinely hurt me during a poly relationship sleepover because i was "being mean" to our third, which i wasn't, our third threw a plushy at me softly so i did the same back, they threw it back to me, Fifth snatched it out of my hands and started hitting me and shit. Then they ignored me the rest of the three days/nights.
Sixth partner, i didn't believe i was enough for them and believed they could do better. They are now doing better.
Seventh partner, i didn't believe i was enough for them and was proven right when they cheated on me because i wasn't affectionate enough.
Eighths partner, i finally got better, i was able to show them my affections like a fucking normal person but then they come out 2 years later all like "i don't actually like you like that, you're more of a friend, you're way too affectionate for me"
Why the FUCK did you say yes when i asked you out IF YOU DIDN'T FUCKING LIKE ME BACK?? I WOULD'VE BEEN FINE IF YOU SAID NO. I WOULD'VE JUST BEEN YOUR FRIEND LIKE YOU WANTED.
Ninth partner, not really a partner, we didn't actually start dating, it was a date, we talked and saw if we liked each other enough to date. [Eighth has sent me back to the bullshit feeling processing that i had because of Third, alongside the shit from the others.]
So i wasn't able to tell them how i feel in a good enough way. I liked them, and apparently they liked me too bu i "didn't seem into it"
i hate this.
i know I'll never find someone.
i know I'm unlikable.
i know I'm ugly.
i fucking know that I'm bad with emotions and that it may not seem like i like someone but gods fucking damnit, if I've explained it then at least try to understand.
i know there's no point in being with me because I'm just another terminally ill dumbass who's not worth the time
i understand that not everyone gets a happy little time with someone they love, okay?
i am just the unwanted child of a woman who refused to get an abortion, who ended up with enough disabilities and mental disorders to write several novels because that bitch drank and smoked to try to miscarriage.
but gods damnit if even actual fucking serial killers, genocidal world leaders and the worst scum of the fucking earth can have hundreds of people going like "oh he's not so bad" and "it's okay, i love him" then why can't i find ONE person who actually likes me and doesn't just want a fucking meat shield for their problems?
I wish I could fucking say that I'm done with trying to find someone, but i know damn well that my stupid self will go off and try again, and i fucking hate it.
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