Carter’s Journal Entry 1

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“Don’t you know I’m no good for you?”

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I knew what I was getting into when I accepted the first breath. The first touch. The first everything. You were the poison in my mouth that made me feel alive. The bitter sweet taste on my tongue that if aged properly, it would resemble a pure concoction of life and death. You were the ice in my lost and frozen soul but then you were the burning sensation with each touch of our skin. My mind gradually and acceptingly became dark and corrupted by your enticing beauty. There wasn’t a force in the entire universe strong enough that could keep us apart, nor hold us together. We were bound to fall from the heavens straight to the deepest and darkest place that our secrets held. You were no good and I was not stable; but we fronted like everything was alright. We’d hide behind our insecurities and our smilies. Hide that we were scared of each other and the damage we had done; specifically to each other. But the look in your eyes always told me it was alright. The mountains were steep and dangerous but you held my hand. You pulled me along and I raised you up to the sky. Though you never explained how severe the storm ahead was and how dark the clouds became.

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“I’ll only hurt you if you let me.”

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I wouldn’t have had it any other way as long as you wouldn’t leave. I could lie and say I liked it that way; even if I didn’t. But you see my lies and know my truth but never could understand why. You crept into my mind and exposed my vulnerable soul but I never once sighed in desperation to escape. You searched for my weakness, but couldn’t find it. If you only knew it was you. That my own demise would come from the destruction of yourself. The image of you eating away at my soul, leaving an empty vessel to be taken advantage of. A secret weakness I could hide forever. It was simply you. A poison to taint my gentle being. Just let me go, but pull me in tighter. A false sense freedom overshadowed by the love I wanted to pour on you. The joy and appreciation I emitted to you in hopes you’d understand me. Help me return to who I was before I lost my way. You let go just before we stumbled upon the peak of the mountain. I never saw the beauty on the other side. You continued on your way but I, I stood frozen in the cool and less oxygenated atmosphere. My head light and spinning as your silhouette disappeared over the horizon. Bring me with you. Let me see the beauty as well.

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“I’ll call you when the party’s over.”

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Did I ever call? Or did I wander the streets that night? What was the number again? My fingers trembled with every button pressed, but the last. I couldn’t press it. I never could press it. Cancel. Always cancel. They wouldn’t care if I call. Ask the stranger instead. Ask them instead for the appreciation and help I need, though I know it’s all an act. Walking further away from the mountain peak, the peaceful bliss, to the car of an unknown person. Someone who’s eyes lie to me every time I gaze into them for security. I knew it wasn’t true and that I shouldn’t go with them, but how do I say no and then continue on my path alone when warmth was all I requested in this moment.

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The stars twinkled above me. They were quite beautiful, the way they sparkled through icy blue eyes glossed over like a doll. Vision clearing enough to expose the stars being artificially lit up. Simple lights running across the detailed crowns of the walls. The wall was cold and smooth. A soft off white, or maybe it was tan? It didn’t matter but in the moment it’s all I could focus on. Your face, specifically your eyes, burning into my mind. I was wishing my mind was quiet. As quiet as me, dragging my feet through the empty halls to my soundless room. This didn’t seem right. I should lie and say I like it like that, I do. I do, right?

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“Darling, stop and smell the daisies. to keep yourself humbled and true to the heart and mind.”

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