— ꒰ :heartbeat: ꒱ // ranting lol

i currently feel so trapped rn. my mom won't let me get a job until i get my license and a car, but she constantly doesn't help me with either one.

when i quit my job my mom promised me that i wouldn't have to worry about anything. that she would help me out and take me where i needed to go and give me money on the occasion because i went from getting 300 dollars every two weeks to nothing. it was fine at first but now im getting pissed off.

i am a very expensive person but i don't mind working hard to get what i want. but now im stuck doing nothing and looking at other people's getting the things i want and honestly im tired of it.

i want so badly to unfortunately re the work force and work towards getting me a pc because i do want to try my hand at streaming. this is something ive been wanting to ever since i turned 16 but i don't have the equipment to output the quality of content that i want to create.

and i may be a lazy pack of shit but if i am going to do something i have to either do it at 1000% or not at all. and this is something i fantasize about often. i just need the money.

but heres another delimma. i can NOT say no to my mom. i love my mother so so so much despite her many MANY flaws. she a hilarious person that i enjoy hanging around. but she is textbook definition of a gaslighter.

i got my previous job on my own because i felt that if wanted to get the things i wanted i should earn them. plus are very much lower middle class. we aren't struggling to eat but we can't spend our money where we please. so i thought i lessen the load by getting a job so my mom didn't have to spend so much money on me.

my mom insisted that i give her at least 150 dollars from my check to help out around the house since she was driving me to work. which i didn't mind because i also got the job to help her out, since i was the one she told her sorrows to about not making certain payments.

but after a while i was getting a bit upset because she started asking for more and it got to the point where she was taking more than half of my check. mind you mother doesn't have a job.

it was specifically annoying because i would have to hold off on getting the few things i wanted. i didn't get upset and gave her the money since i still had a little bit of money to work with. but i could never save up for the pc i wanted because their were specifically limited time things i wanted [cough cough geshin cough cough] and even when i did save my money my mom would guilt trip me and make me feel bad about her not having any money and needing them for bills making me hand over the 50 or 100 dollars i had saved.

ive told my mom countless times about my dreams of streaming and how i needed a pc to produce the quality i wanted along with other things. she was ive of it. we talked about how my set up would look and everything.

right now it just feels like im grasping into the thin air and all of my dreams are going up in smoke. i know i have time. im only 20. but i can't help but feel that this trend will continue until i move out. which i didn't want to do because despite disagreeing on many things its easy to stay with each other. we don't step on each other's toes too much. even if that means i never get an apology when my feelings are hurt.

i really really REALLY want to persue the dreams that i have been daydreaming about for years but i don't know if ill be able to if i stay here in this house. if i don't act selfishly i won't be able to get anywhere.

this quite honestly might be the toughest hurdle to .

sigh