what is "how are you holding up?" anyway?

      so these are some things that i think i

      want to get off my chest. this would

       probably be the most personal blog ive

       ever written here. i honestly believe

       writing helps me clear some thoughts

       away and it's been my form of escape

       for a very long time, tho that doesn't

       necessarily mean that i put it out to the

      world. i rather keep things to myself but,

      o well,, you can say that im acting at the

       spur of this moment.

    the months following dec 18 have been the hardest months ive ever lived. honestly i just wish i could sleep away the 18ths of every month or not it's the 18th at all. it just always gives me this dull ache to think of someone who radiated so much happiness into others' lives and whose sole existence held the reason for happiness was denied the touch of it. as i wrote in my previous blog, for someone like me, who's weak and cries and yells and rages like a kid, he's taught me so much, he's inspired me so much and to think of how much was taken out of him, for him to provide that level of comfort and strength to others, it breaks me, to a million little pieces.

      

      im not an optimistic person in the first place. things like disbandment and them stopping making music has crossed over my mind frick ton times. ive even thought about losing someone, losing someone close to my soul. i know, i might come off way too pessimistic for my own emotions but the thought that everything will end sometime is not new to me. but heavens knew the authenticity of a thought like that. not in my wildest dreams did i know what a thought like that and a 'happening' like that would do to me. to say that a very important, a very positive piece of something that completed my existence was violently snatched away wouldn't be a stretch at a l l.

         me writing this NOW, is basically bcs of those relentless waves that's been hitting me since SHINee's comeback. when i heard that they're coming back, i was truly happy for them. though deep inside when i said im hyped to listen to their songs, i was thinking of 5. and i knew that when that soulful voice that i look forward to the most won't be there anymore, it's going to hit me worse, considering it was a whole another worse already.

            i watched their mv and yes, it did feel empty and, there was an immense emptiness in my heart that kept getting bigger and wider as i rewatched it. i was just wishing it'd shrink with every stage of watching but i was wrong. thru the evening i also started to have a fever making everything all the more messed up in my head.

      to be very honest, i thought i was ready. and i wanted to listen to the other tracks too, mainly bcs their spoiler for "undercover" really had me in love. never knew that listening to a SHINee album can make me feel THOSE ways. like,,, idk! idk if it was my temperature that was burning me up from the inside or if it's my emotions and me searching for someone who i knew for sure wouldn't be there that was ripping me apart, but my constant thought that "SHINee never disappoint & every song is gold" was fully or almost fully overshadowed by my longing for that special someone's soulful, powerful, elegant and beautiful presence.

     and i haven't heard any music from that night. my playlist still stays on "you & i". seriously kibum, that fricked me up real bad and i'd cry any moment when i hear your "goodbye to the love from my early days". im--- :((( honestly, you guys have had it the hardest and i'll never ever deny that but i believe that i sometimes overlook it, considering the level of pain im in. and every time i realise that im doing it, i send myself a serious warning that i need to shut my useless brain. and recently when baby Roo went missing ohmygod i lost sleep and i couldn't stop crying. like omg what are humans even doing?? being so careless. they are supposed to treat her like a queen as she kept him happy amidst all the shitheads around him. *sigh* i was being grateful in every way when she was found ♡ these days im doing nothing but truly just wishing for happiness for everyone who matter a lot to Jjong. and Roo holds a very very big place in my heart, i mean ive been stanning the cutie since 4 years.

       some days i ""almost"" feel like myself and when i smile, i try to genuinely smile. while most of the days, i on with showing my fake-strong self and how im "doing good".

       i haven't asked for help or shared what im going through on its entirety to anyone to be honest and that's my way of dealing with it. i don't mean that i don't have people who truly care for me but i don't think anyone can understand this in it's completeness. thinking of kim jonghyun, who feels for everything with such ion, who embraces every emotion with such fervour, me settling for some comfort from those around me, which wouldn't last for a day isn't my way of dealing with things.

         im not saying others ((the fellow shawols ♡)) are dealing with it better or that they're pained to a lighter extent or some sharing their heart with someone so they're comforted is wrong, i just mean that the way i deal with it, though i, myself don't think is very healthy is different from others but that's okay.

           and being true to myself, i don't really know "how im holding up". or if im even holding up. i still those two days in my mind so vividly, once when my best friend and once when my mom asked me with genuine concern how im doing and i couldn't stop crying for a good whole hour or so. one another reason why i don't talk about my emotions :hand:

       idrk how im holding up, or how i'll hold up as days . currently, as i already said im just wishing happiness and safety for those who matter a lot to Jjong. some days i just look at the moon. some days if im feeling strong, i listen to his songs, sing along with them. some days i laugh through ot5 love, some days i smile at a picture of him smiling. some other days, these exact same things makes me cry. so i let myself cry, then cry some more. so yes, that's how my days are. i don't think im pushing myself to do things or ignoring my emotions, bcs as Jjong says, im just trying to embrace all these feelings and hopefully, just like he said, it all gets better some day.

    ✧ dear Jonghyun, like you said, life is a

      continuation of meetings and farewells

      and we cry and be heart broken when it

      happens too soon. but i hope and believe

     we meet someday. and i hope you

      continue to sing and smile till then,

      maybe in another world, a different

      dimension, an alternate universe. i'll

      continue to love and miss you, my angel ♡

     #goodday and if not, it's going to get better loves. hang in there strong ♡