TIPS | Discussion Etiquette

          I’m using this post for the team I work alongside, and as a way to suggest going about more serious discussions and topics together. It will also be discussing how to address each other, too, to maintain a professional interaction without causing any upsetting result on either end. So, I figured I could share this here as well, for those who might want to use these tips with their teams and build from it and for those who could also add onto the list because all mindsets more than one are helpful.

This etiquette is not subjective to leaders, curators, or any specific moderation team! These are tips for any sort of team discussion and can be used as such.

Consider this, too, a guide (that I personally use for myself) for how to effectively make constructive criticism.

Breathe & Break It Down

BREATHE     The first step in anything is to breath and calculate or recalculate your stance both mentally and for the drive that brings you to share what your thoughts are. It’s most important to not let too much emotion fog close you off from being openminded, but rather pace yourself when you feel like you’re seeing all red, even if that means to take a few moments for a break. It’s good to practice this so when you have to make a decision in urgent times, you’ll know how to clear your mind for when it is necessary.

RESPOND      The next step would be where you respond to the topics being mentioned, but when you respond I encourage you to break down the messages that you’re getting because if you don’t, you risk:

— Getting overwhelmed

— Getting overly upset

— Causing the discussion

   to turn into an argument

— Invalidating points

— Looking over certain

   points that you agree

   or disagree with

EXAMPLE.

Numbered the points/segments.

_                                                                   _

Hello!

(1) So I was worried about this point because it makes me feel this way and I don’t entirely like that. (2) I also think that because it makes me feel this way means that you aren’t listening to what I’m saying which is really disheartening. (3) Going on from that, I think that you should implement this suggestion because it is beneficial in these ways.

_                                                                   _

BREAK IT DOWN.

(1) <—

“Hey! So I was worried about this point because it makes me feel this way and I don’t entirely like that.”

Hey! So I do see your concerns and they’re completely valid.

________________

(2)<—

“I also think because it makes me feel this way means that you aren’t listening to what I’m saying which is really disheartening.”

I want you to know that I value everything that you’re saying, and I want to consider each of yours thoughts with full attention, so I apologize for making you feel this way.***

________________

(3)<—

“Going on from that, I think that you should implement this suggestion because it is beneficial in these ways.”

This is a good idea and I think we can try to work this through! However, do you mind if we talk about this some more so I can propose a final thought to my team?

________________

***I want to bring attention to not apologize for them feeling a certain way based on what you did, but apologize for making them feel this way because, to them, you did something and to hear “I apologize because you feel this way” can come off as you not taking ability for causing some sort of distress to them, so therefore the listeners come off as feeling invalidated. The way words are said and arranged make a big difference and as mods we have to to be careful for the many, many people we end up encountering!

The Five-Ten Minute Rule

BE PATIENT      It’s important to not rush to get your opinion out, so I suggest something that I try to do: wait about 5-10 minutes to reread over your messages to see if everything that you want to say is in there so you can feel satisfied with your approach, but to also make sure that any overly confusing points are met with clarity before sending it off and having your words miscommunicated in the conversation.

WAIT’S WORTH IT      Extending it more than 5-10 while rereading your message increases chances of rambling and repetition plus it keeps the discussion carried on at a decent pace, so I personally try to stay within this range. This, however, may not be the case with other people. So long as you try to reread your message for at least 5 minutes, you’ll be able to correct what needs to be corrected almost always. It also helps to say it aloud!

While rereading, try to correct the following:

— Basic grammar

— Confusing sentences

— Repetition and over-explaining

— Concrete theme to the message

— Things that could come across offensive

— Overly emotional statements

Think Outside Your Perspectives

COMION        We all want to be right when we’re super ionate about a topic, but we have to compromise with the and opinions from other people’s eyes; just because it doesn’t make sense to you does not mean that it doesn’t make sense to them. In which case, we should be encouraged to try and understand what other people’s approach might be and improve on why they think that way.

OPENMINDED        That being said, some other points such as closing down the chance of being openminded and being unwilling to listen to others comes across as uncooperative. You do not want to set any concluded solutions within your messages unless the conclusion of the conversation has come to surface. Multiple sides of discussions will probably have different mindsets for their conclusion and different motives, so the best way to engage in this situation is to suggest ideas that could satisfy both sides.

________________

What I mean is try to do this:

I see where you are coming from, but this is why I think we should keep doing the things that we have been doing. However, I was thinking that we could do do this and this because it takes two large values from both of our stances and might be a beneficial option in looking through for the community’s sake. What do you think?

But not this:

I see where you’re coming from, however we have done this this way because it is the only that makes sense to me or my team.

________________

CONSIDERATION         When suggesting things, keep the people who will be effected the most first and foremost in mind because whereas some of those things might work for you and might make sense to you, it might not work or make sense for them since they are someone else. Focus on the grander picture for the cons and pros of how it effects the community and the the ones behind the functions that are being discussed. Work out a way that those people are comfortable with controlling the suggestions by adapting to them and their way of working.

Things to ask: Is it realistic? Where does the opposite side find their motive? What do they value and how does that contract from me?

The Growth Mindset; Be Open

What’s a Growth Mindset? View this picture of growth vs fixed.

It’s always preferred to go through conversations that lean more towards the growth mindset than the fixed. It’s not saying you have to be fully growth mindset or nothing because we are human and it’s natural to communicate with our genuine feelings. Although, it becomes an issue when it brings the discussion to a stopping point with no conclusion.

Regulate • Validate • Communicate

REGULATE          We get heated when we feel like things don’t go in our favor sometimes, and while it’s okay to feel this way it’s more effective to regulate your emotions, elsewise you will be more likely to downgrade other points made by your team-. Even if it is not the intention, it should be avoided at all costs for decency and common courtesy of other viewpoints. Don’t say things that will seep in a pile of regret later on, either. In which case, this why it is extremely important to see how other people might view your words and your approach to their opinions.

VALIDATE           When talking things out, try to validate the others by seeing it from their emotions and thoughts so that they don’t feel like they’re being unheard or attacked. Focus on the points that you do agree with in their statements, and then go to the points that you don’t agree with. Always, always include explanations when you disagree as well. It can be useful to explain why you agree too for further validation.

COMMUNICATE         You opinion still matters and I say to always stand strong by what you feel is right. Whenever you feel like something is icky and is out of place, even if you don’t have a proper explanation for it, you must always voice these concerns. If you are made to feel unsettled by something, there is always a reason behind the rhyme.

Don’t Bring Up Too Much

SIMPLE         When giving constructive criticism, don’t give a whole list of twenty problems when you’re in a discussion. Break it down into themes and condense it as much as you can.

A discussion is not telling people what can and can’t happen. A discussion is a collective method to work things out together.

What are your thoughts? What do you do personally like doing with discussions that have helped you and your team?