:dizzy_face: ‍ :dizzy: — here we go again ˎˊ˗

Well hello. Normally, I don't post stuff like this; I usually ignore it all or basically write to myself OR create stuff inspired from my own emotions and shit.. but this time, I don't know it felt right to just post this; as more like a public diary entry. Cause why not, right?

Life hasn't been really alright lately, sadly. I had a lot going on, like common trans man experiences, some other cutesy stuff to deal with.

TW: Me Venting About My Mental Health, Being Trans and Other Struggles

Let's start with being a trans man.. Well fucking hell, I don't know if you have seen my posts before, but I used to go with the name Ruslan. As you might have noticed by my name, I am Erdenay now. Why? Turkish name-changing laws. Ruslan is rather known in Russian culture than Turkish (despite having Turkic origin), so I decided to pick a 100% Turkish name, just to be safe. I like the name Erdenay more than Ruslan now though, which is a good thing.. I suppose.

What's the saying? You know with one closed door other ones open? I don't know; something like that.

I am pre-everything as the little bitchass doubt is there despite me knowing I am a guy WAY before the whole "I am now trans" trend. I feel like like an imposter still though; I don't know what I am. Non-binary? A trans guy? A feminine trans guy? Am I too feminine to be a guy? Do I need to fit into society's stereotypes? Am I really trans or what? What am I?

Without going into details, I have extreme body dysphoria to the point I can't function or do stuff most people can unless they don't want to. I want to, but I can't. That varies from activities like swimming, sunbathing, and going to the bathroom in public to more private activities in life, which sucks ass.

Then ofc here comes the homophobic "ive" family trying to manipulate me and shit telling me I am their confused little female relative (everyone who knows in my family is homophobic and transphobic lmao so) who will regret it after etc. Making me feel.. stuck? I don't even know what to feel anymore. I have talked to them about preferences too.. no-one listens. I used to be able to tolerate being misgendered quite well but.. not anymore. I feel drained, thanks to that.

While dealing with these all ofc there comes my mental health. Let's just say it hasn't been doing well for a while now. I have a history of antidepressants too, for example. All therapists and psychologists so far didn't prove to be useful too, which sucks a lot.

I also cannot recognise myself or who I am anymore. I don't even know if I ever knew in the first place. All my life, I tried to make my family proud basically so.. I don't know. I don't even know what my career plans are; I am just breathing, which is already exhausting. I envy everyone who has such figured out ngl.

I stare at myself in the mirror

Feeling the anger rushing in

I stare at the reflection

Not recognising

The earthquake I experienced recently is also taking a toll on me. When it happened and that day I was fine but I am basically struggling a lot with feeling like I am shaking non-stop AGAIN. This might sound funny, but I have hard time falling asleep when everyone else is dead asleep. I have been feeling so tired thx to that.

There is also my ass having such difficulty socialising too. The reason I ed Amino again, then realised I lost my old forever (which is over 7 years old, close to 8 at this point so I ain't new to this app), created a new one again, and ed this amino was to socialise and to share my work etc here.. but here we are. I am genuinely having an awful time with socialising part man; it is difficult. I hate being an introvert sometimes.

Also years of me masking and pretending to be their little perfect "girl" is taking a huge toll on me. I know what they think of me when they look at me and honestly? I hate myself for it. I hate everything for it. It all fucking sucks. I just want to be myself but I can't. I always thought something was wrong with me thanks to having issues w not being an extrovert AND feeling like a boy but no.. all this time I was just me and definitely not alone. Ugh.

I genuinely feel exhausted and don't even know why I am doing this. I am like half asleep and feeling numb as fuck. My grammar and shit might be fcked thanks to that, so I apologise just in case lmao.

I guess the reason I didn't keep this in my drafts is because if there is someone else out there who relates to anything I am feeling or going through, I want them to know they aren't alone.

..Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk..

I just needed to get this out of my chest thanks

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