ᴸᴵᵀᵀᴸᴱ ᵀᴴᴼᵁᴳᴴᵀ

Here comes a thought~

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This is a simple blog. No fancy symbols (although I really like this header), no aesthetics, no nice fonts.

I just want to write about something that has been happening to me recently, something I think it's really important to me.

Trigger warning: Mentions of depression. Be careful and take care of yourselves <3

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These past months have been awful for me. Being on last year of highschool is not easy here for people like me. Everyone expects you to start acting like a lady, wearing make-up and dresses, wishing your hair to be longer and your breasts to be bigger, acting more feminine...

And it had to be exactly this year when doubts about my gender started to make me feel even worse. I started thinking about my gender every single hour, many times. Somedays it wasn't so bad, but others... Well, yeah.

I knew that was not okay. I knew that, if I kept living like that, I was going to be depressed again. I was going to feel nothing but pain again and I made a promise to myself two years ago: that I'd never let that happen again, in my life.

So I tried. I tried really hard to understand what was "wrong" about me. I did lots of research, I found about the LGBT Community, I read and read and read, I watched videos, I heard testimonies... Everything.

For a while, I thought I was a mistake and a disappointment. I felt bad for not feeling like a girl, for not being just ftm (as it's easier to understand), for not liking the same things my female friends do, for all the mean things my parents said to me about not being girly enough...

I started to sink to the bottom of a void again, which scared the f*ck out of me. [Removed sentence]

[Removed sentence]

But there was a day in which I felt sick of everything. I was on my bed, crying a little, when I just wiped away my tears, stood up and said: "Stop. Just, stop. [removed sentence]". And it kind of worked, actually.

The first thing that came to my mind was that I needed to tell somebody. I couldn't hide it anymore, letting that awful feeling stay in my heart forever. So I did, I talked about it to two of my friends. Both of them happily understood and currently me.

I started using they/them pronouns here too. As I live in a place where Spanish is the main language, and in which there are no neutral pronouns, my only possibility to see if I actually liked them was here.

Then, I knew I had to tell my mom. This was the hardest part of all. I didn't know how she was going to react. Would she hit me? Scream at me? Say awful things? Or would she ignore me? Or me?

It was days of indecision, nausea and stress. But in the end, I finally did it by letter. I had a plan which was ruined (I want to think it happened because life or God or something else was challenging to see if I'd give up), but I still have her the letter.

I'm glad to say I was lucky: she doesn't fully understand, but she respects it. I believe she thinks it's just a fase, and let's face it: it could be, who know. But she didn't say shit about it, which was the worst case scenario. To this day, she tries to get along with it.

Last week I was thinking about my identity and, for the first time in this 2 years of knowing its meaning, identifying as non-binary felt right. Like I finally fit. It made me so god damn happy I almost cried.

These days, I feel more comfortable with that label. I'm not going to dive deeper in the several spectrums within it, not for now, at least. I'm sure it'll confuse me even more.

I'm also caring more about my mental health and my personal appearance because I want to not for anybody else. It's a great improvement. If someone told me that 3 years ago, I'd say something like: "Yeah, sure. In one year, I'll be dead". But I'm here. I got here.

I'm still here.

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I just wanted to say this, I don't know why. I needed to take it out of my chest, I guess.

Take care of yourselves! See ya!

—Alex