Sometimes I miss it. The highs and the lows. The meds feel like the volumes turned way down and yeah that makes it so I can do other things, like function haha, but I miss being filled with emotions like I can feel every single thing in the world. I feel like I'm limited this way yk. My friend said I'm just bored and maybe I am but not the way he thinks. I'm bored of living in with my emotions only going so far and thats fucked up. Why would I want that back. Why would I miss being unable to leave my bed and crying constantly for months. Why would I miss getting into screaming matches with the people I love, losing my friends. And I won't go off my meds again. I just sometimes wish I did. Even when I do start to feel depressed my mind seems to just shut down before it gets bad. Which I've now come to realize is me dissociating. I barely what happens when I'm in that state. My mind just stops until it thinks I won't be depressed anymore. Which I guess is good but idk I like to cry sometimes. The dissociation is happening more than it used to and I'm not exactly sure why. Maybe I'm just noticing it more. Its weird sometimes I don't notice when it starts I'll just suddenly realize that I'm gone yk. Like it takes me a minute for my mind to realize that I'm not me anymore just doing what I'm supposed to do laughing when I'm supposed to laugh yk. You'd think you'd realize that feeling right way. But it seems to take me a bit. Idk what I'm saying. Idk what I am rn I have more energy than usual but I don't feel happy or sad either. Just energy and thinking about my life and feelings. Today was a hard day at work. But I'm okay. Made brownies.
February 17th
Megan 02/18/19
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I get it. I started meds and noe I dont feel much true emotions. I miss the mania.
I also have dissociation. It's gotten better over time for me though
I feel things just not to the same extent. I miss the highs too. And Idk what triggered mine to get worse and thats whats bothering me so much about it I guess.
My dad felt the same when he went on meds、like everything was bland. I understand、I wouldn't want to lose something like that either... even if it is bad. It's because this is what normal people feel. Just that much. I guess.... I can see why my dad said bipolar is a gift、because we can see more than other people.
Yeah I get that but its completely awful at the same time. And I think I just forget how bad it gets sometimes yk so I just go back and forth over and over again