confessions, break ups, and more.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ 𝐖𝐄𝐋𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐄 𝐓𝐎 𝐌𝐘 𝐁𝐋𝐎𝐆 :hearts: 0531.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⋆·˚ ༘ * for   this month's prompt, mari

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ and i decided  to write  about our

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ocs'  relationships. their renewal is a

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ new step in  their   relationship, as

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ marked by   near   death experiences,

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ confessions,       break  ups, and more.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ liqin is my oc  and toshiaki is mari's,

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ and there are    mentions of haerith,

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ who belongs    to tala. i   hope you

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ enjoy    the story! make sure to read

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ toshi's pov in mari's fic!

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ word count: 3718

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ #CITMMafiaRenewal

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ #AgencyEventCorner

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀feeling like you’re dying is a quiet thing, liqin has found. he’s dimly aware of the ground beneath his feet, toshiaki’s hand in his, and the wind brushing past his face as he races forward. his quirk is keeping his heart rate steadily racing; he’s not sure how long it’s been since he activated it but it has, certainly, been a while. white noise fills his ears as his footsteps slow to a stop. they’re safe now, he thinks, and toshiaki is still alive. liqin hopes he’s smiling, though he can’t tell above the nausea making its way up his throat, but toshiaki looks upset and he needs to tell his boyfriend that he’ll be okay. the pain in his chest flares up before he can speak, and he faintly s the touch of something warm against his forehead. toshiaki’s lips, his brain tells him. there’s a whisper of words he can’t quite catch as toshiaki holds him close. he falls then, in the arms of his lover, and the world goes quiet.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀by the time he res the material world, toshiaki is hovering over him with unshed tears in his eyes. liqin’s hands tremble as he reaches for his boyfriend’s with a soft laugh. “don’t look at me like that.” he smiles, a sad thing, and pretends like the pain doesn’t linger in his chest. cardiac arrest is a harsh thing; all jagged edges of pain looking to cut apart the strings that hold liqin together and he always feels the ghost of it when he wakes up.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀“you didn’t have a pulse.” toshiaki whispers, his voice barely audible above the sound of their heartbeats. “you didn’t have a pulse, and i thought you died.” his eyes meet liqin’s grey ones and liqin feels his heart sink. the scent of gunpowder clings to their clothes as liqin pushes himself into a sitting position. the shift in position makes his head whirl but he forces himself up, meeting toshiaki’s eyes with confidence he doesn’t have. he can feel the thrum of his heart against his ribs and he raises toshiaki’s hand, pressing it against his chest.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀“i’m alive,” liqin curls his fingers around the other’s hand. “even if i wasn’t, it won’t be the first death you’ve seen.” he feels toshiaki flinch at that, his fingers twitching in liqin’s grasp. something akin to frustration and sadness flickers in toshiaki’s eyes, disappearing before liqin can decode it and he swallows down anything else he’d like to say. the truth is, sometimes, the wrong thing to say.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀“it’ll be 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 death.” he breathes out, grabbing liqin’s wrist with his free hand and pulling his hand off. toshiaki places the hand on the ground with his hand pressed over it as he leans forward to rest his head against liqin’s shoulder. “is it so bad that i don’t want you to die?”

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀liqin is acutely aware of how dry his mouth is as his mind whirls, eyes fluttering shut. “it’ll just be another death. you’ve watched soldiers and kids die because of what we do without even flinching. it’s not so different if it’s me.” toshiaki inhales sharply at that, lifting his head from where it laid. liqin can’t find it in him to look at his eyes, rimmed with red, and instead fixes his gaze on his lips. he’s scared, he thinks, but of what? “why would you—” he stops himself before he can finish speaking; what would he even say? the nauseous feeling starts to creep up his throat again and liqin feels like throwing up, averting his eyes and staring at their hands.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀“because i love you.” he sees the words on toshiaki’s lips more than he hears them and liqin thinks he hasn’t quite recovered from the backlash of his quirk. ringing fills his ears and a part of him wants to run away, except he can’t. his legs are barely capable of ing his weight so soon after he’s woken up but he’s too aware of how warm toshiaki’s hand is over his. liqin swallows back bile as he stares at toshiaki. toshiaki, the man he’s spent a year with. toshiaki, the man who just said he loves him. and he runs. liqin scrambles to his feet with all the grace of a newborn fawn, half aware of the hurt that flashes through toshiaki’s eyes when he rips his hand away, and runs.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀they sit in silence on the ride back to the headquarters, never once looking at each other. liqin clenches his hand in a fist; the headache had faded into something that could be handled with a couple of painkillers and a meal, but the tremor in his hands had yet to go away. they’d never go away completely, liqin knows that much, but he still forces his hands shut in spite of the way they tremble. toshiaki, if they were still on speaking , would typically hold his hand, weaving warm fingers between shaking ones. alas, they are not on speaking and liqin digs his nails into his palm instead.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀he’s aware— far too aware for someone who was the reason for the problem in the first place, liqin chides himself— of the way the soldiers are looking at him and toshiaki. he lets his head hang, staring at the little red moons forming in his palms as he clenches his fists methodically. “𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘪 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶.” the declaration runs marathons in his mind and liqin feels an all too familiar fear wrap itself around his heart. love, he decided when he saw the blood pooling under his adoptive parents’ bodies, meant one of two things: death or abandonment. he’s known it for far too long, watching haerith do everything possible to give them— liqin, really— any semblance of a life unmarred by gunpowder and more deaths. he’s known it when he watched the old mafia go up in flames, heart in his throat when he realized that haerith might not come out of the fire unscathed or come out at all.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀liqin chances a glance at toshiaki, who fixes his gaze on something outside the car window, and decides that he doesn’t know what to say. it’d be so easy to reach over and take his boyfriend’s— is toshiaki still his boyfriend? probably— hand and give a comforting squeeze. he doesn’t, though, not when toshiaki’s still mad at him for running away. he’d be mad too, liqin reasons, if toshiaki was the one who had ran away from him. it was him, unfortunately, who ran away so he closed his eyes, head tipping back against the headrest, and let his breathing even out. the ride back is quiet, and liqin lets the hum of the engine lull him to sleep.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀the report is given to haerith with the same frosted over atmosphere as in the car; toshiaki keeps his words brisk and revealing nothing else, and liqin mirrors his tone. he meets his brother’s eyes with an even gaze, hands clasped behind his back as if it’ll hide the minor trembling in his voice as he speaks. the way haerith’s eyes narrow whenever liqin opens his mouth tells him that he’s already noticed so he gives up on pretenses, and chances at another glance at toshiaki. his lover stands stiffly next to him, and the clenched fist behind his back reminds liqin of the anger that should be bubbling up within the other. haerith dismisses them with a wave of a hand and a reminder to “be more careful next time,” looking between the two but never once commenting on anything more. the trek back to their room stifles him and liqin resists the urge to run away again.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀it isn’t until the door shuts that the dam breaks. the silence disappears as quickly as it came and they’re shouting at each other, over each other, without any concern for who might overhear through the walls of their room. it’s ugly and liqin wants to bury it along with his heart. "what the fuck was that about?" he asks, instead. the question comes out harsher than he means it to be and he knows the damage is already done when toshiaki doesn’t bother hiding the way he flinches back, away from the ugly thing that is liqin’s words.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀"you were about to die, what do you mean?" toshiaki all but whispers, the anger giving way to hurt in his eyes. the words are barely audible compared to the shouting from earlier and it douses the anger bubbling up in liqin, guilt taking its place. he lets the guilt consume him for a minute, before ing why he was mad in the first place. it flares back up, rearing its head amidst the guilt of knowing he’s the reason that toshiaki looks pained. the pain in toshiaki’s eyes digs into liqin’s heart, a horrible thing. he wants to stop fighting. he doesn’t though, he keeps going because it’s impossible to stop a horse after it’s left the stable.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀liqin inhales, meeting toshiaki’s eyes with anger he knows he can’t justify. "i mean, why did you say that?" the quiet anger seeps into his words, turning them into knives meant to hurt. his aim is true and it burrows itself into toshiaki’s heart.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀he knows that it was the wrong thing to say when he sees the defeated look in toshiaki’s eyes. "because you were about to die and i needed to tell you." it’s strangely reminiscent of the words he said before liqin ran away and he feels the urge rise back up in him.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀"i wasn't going to die. the last thing i need is you telling me that you love me and then running off to protect me.” he pauses, letting his eyes slip shut in an attempt to steady himself. i don't need your protection, toshi." liqin hisses, the words dripping in acid. it’s unfair, but he still bites the words out with as much venom as possible.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀"no one said anything about being protected. why can't i just love you?" toshiaki pleads, lying his heart out for liqin in a way that he’s never seen before. it’s terrifying, it makes him want to tell toshiaki that he loves him too. the words lodge themselves in his throat and he can only squeeze his eyes shut. toshiaki’s looking at him still, he knows this because he can feel the way toshiaki is asking, 𝘩𝘰𝘱𝘪𝘯𝘨, for him to say that he loves him too. the words that bubble up are far from expected, and he feels toshiaki’s pain before he even says them.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀liqin feels his lips form the words, barely able to hear above the blank nothing in his ears. "let's break up." his voice sounds flat even through the static in his ears and he wants to scream. liqin hates it. he watches as toshiaki nods, and liqin turns his head away to stare at cracks in the wall. something in him hurts, digging under his skin, and his throat closes up with tears he didn’t know existed. “okay.” he whispers, hoping that it could change the thoughts running in his mind.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀what he does in the days after their fight is a blur. liqin vaguely re tears and then not much else. he thinks he stumbles his way into the kitchen, going through the familiar steps of brewing a cup of coffee, and stares blankly at the warm cup in his hands. liqin knows he’s still smiling, still laughing, still doing everything he’s always done. it’s easy that way, he’s found. ignorance is bliss, and he’ll pretend like there’s nothing wrong as he always does.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀liqin sneaks glances at toshiaki when he can, watching his lover— former lover, he has to remind himself each time— converse with people that aren’t him. the sight makes him feel sick and he turns away before he can find himself doing anything out of the ordinary. liqin drowns himself in caffeine and sugar, ignoring his body’s cries for rest. it’s easy to take on more jobs than needed. it’s easy to include himself in missions that do not need him. it’s too easy for him to pretend like the exhaustion isn’t eating him up from inside. when he drops a cup of freshly brewed coffee the day after their break up, liqin laughs it off as clumsiness and hides the shaking hand behind his back. he misses the target by more than a few centimeters during practice that day.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀it’s wrong, he knows, to react the way he did when toshiaki confessed to him. liqin stares out the window as he ruminates over this, city lights shrouded in the night, and draws in a shuddering breath. he knows that it was wrong to run away, to start a fight, and to accuse toshiaki of his own fears. knowing, however, doesn’t change what happened. liqin tilts his head back and laughs, a sharp and awful sound. he’s scared of love, scared of what it would mean for him to lose yet another one of the people he loves, and it hurts. his shoulders shake with quiet sobs as he tips his head forward, pressing his forehead against the cool glass of the window. liqin watches the moon rise and fall in the sky that night, knowing he won’t sleep.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀on the second day, liqin shuts himself off to any distractions from his errands for the day. he goes through the day with methodical steps; from settling for drinking his energy choice of the day out of a straw after the accident yesterday to spending his time in his office, looking over files, instead of out on the field. he still makes it a point to bother the of the mafia he can and if his eyes linger a little too long on the room that houses toshiaki’s weapons whenever he walks past it, no one says anything about it. he doesn’t sleep that night either.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀liqin doesn’t sleep for the next few days, tossing and turning in an empty bed. it would be easier to sleep, he thinks, if it was warmer. warmer, like if there was a second body in the bed with him. there isn’t. so he makes do, piling up blankets like it’ll change something. it doesn’t help him sleep at night and he settles for masking the weariness with sugar and copious amounts of energy drinks. liqin all but buries himself in jobs, regardless of how insignificant they are. he avoids toshiaki and any place that he might be, opting for asking people to complete jobs that he can do himself for him if it meant crossing paths with his former lover.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀avoidance only works so well. he’d bound to run into toshiaki eventually, liqin isn’t an idiot. he just doesn’t expect the first interaction they have in a while to be as cruel as it is. liqin grips the handle of the cup far too tightly as his lips curve into what has to be the fakest smile he’s ever given toshiaki. “hi.” he murmurs, not quite meeting toshiaki’s eyes as he tries to brush past the taller man without much conflict.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀“that eager to run away from me again?” toshiaki quirks an eyebrow as he turns to face liqin’s retreating back. he stops. of course he stops, breath hitching in his throat as the hand on the handle tightens infinitely. liqin inhales, letting his eyes shutter close before he turns to face toshiaki. he doesn’t know what he expects but the malice in the way toshiaki looks at him is not it. a part of him reminds him that he doesn’t want conflict, doesn’t want confrontation, and that he should laugh it off and leave. liqin knows he should leave, he should, but he doesn’t. instead, he stands there stupidly with his cup of coffee in hand and gapes at toshiaki. toshiaki, who only looks at him with nothing but cold nothing in his eyes. toshiaki, who scoffs and rolls his eyes at the lack of response. toshiaki, who turns and leaves before liqin can begin to think of what he should or can say.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀liqin watches him walk away and forces the tears back down, eyes rimmed with red. “i’m sorry.” he whispers into the empty air once toshiaki is out of sight. no one hears the apology, and he lowers his head as he walks to the room where he’s supposed to be given the details of the mission he asked to be a part of. he tries harder than ever to avoid toshiaki after that. they still run into each other, and liqin can’t get used to the lack of affection toshiaki looks at him with. each meeting leaves him with more wounds than he thought possible, so he makes it his job to ignore toshiaki’ presence after a few. in ignoring toshiaki, liqin’s rewarded with snide remarks about how “it must be so easy to trample over people’s affections when you think so highly of yourself.”

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀the thought of toshiaki no longer being his leaves a sour taste in his mouth after that, and he’s reminded of it with every off-hand comment he overhears about how toshiaki is doing this or that. liqin grits his teeth with each ing mention, never thinking too much about what’s being said, only the fact that toshiaki’s name is mentioned. it’s by the fifth, or sixth, day, he thinks, that he starts hallucinating.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀part of him wonders if he’s imagining the image of toshiaki standing in the room with him, and his fears are confirmed once he turns away to put down the plastic cup of coffee he holds. he turns back to an empty room, with the lingering scent of toshiaki— a scent that he knows for a fact he’s imagining because the door is still closed and he hasn’t heard it open and close since he’s walked in, alone. liqin bites his lip, sending the closest thing to him flying against a wall. the chair splinters into pieces and he crumples to the ground, crying. the room still smells like toshiaki.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀he tilts his head back, sliding down against the cool metal of the armory. it’s sometime in the morning— the last time he checked a clock, it said something like 1 am and liqin doesn’t know how much time has ed since then— and he feels so very pathetic for coming to the one place he’s been avoiding like the plague. he’s too aware of why he chose to come here at this time of the day. of the two of them, toshiaki had always been more keen about keeping a proper sleep schedule for liqin’s sake and for his own. it irritates him that he still re these things, he decides, as he tips his head infinitely back until the top of his head is pressed against the metal doors. the position hurts, so he tips his head back forward and lets it hang between slumped shoulders. what a sight he must make, with grey hair unkempt and covering too much of his face.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀the sound of footsteps getting closer snaps him out of his revere. liqin scrambles to his feet, his vision blacking out with the sudden movement. even so, he knows who’s arrived without seeing their face. the footsteps stop in front of him, and liqin wishes he had at least combed his hair today. he hadn’t though, and you reap what you sow. they stand in silence for a minute, liqin blinking rapidly as if it’ll clear away the black spots obscuring his vision sooner.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀“i love you. i love you so much that i’d rather die than not love you.” the words rush out of his mouth before he can think twice, watching toshiaki’s eyes widen. liqin’s aware of how unsteady he feels, like the world is spinning around him, but toshiaki’s looking at him for the first time in days and he doesn’t want him to stop. this isn’t how he wanted to tell his former lover; he wanted to say it when he wasn’t sleep deprived and on the verge of collapse. he says it still, repeating the “i love you” as toshiaki just stares at him. liqin can’t read the emotions flickering through wide eyes. there’s something akin to concern and he thinks that toshiaki might need comforting so he reaches forward. he wraps his fingers around toshiaki’s wrist, just holding.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀toshiaki takes so long to reply that part of liqin wonders if he’s seeing things again and, perhaps, it isn’t toshiaki standing in front of him but some poor soldier that he’s trapped against their will in front of the armory. it feels like toshiaki, and liqin can see the way his eyelashes flutter as he switches between looking the earnest look on liqin’s very tired, very open face and the fingers looped around his wrist. toshiaki’s looking at him with something that looks like love and so liqin lets himself go, falling into his not-boyfriend who he’s very much in love with.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀when he wakes up again, it’s in toshiaki’s arms. liqin feels toshiaki stir as he moves closer, and he smiles when toshiaki tightens his embrace. “you love me.” toshiaki whispers, low and hoarse with sleep, and liqin only hums in response. that hum turns into an annoyed whine when toshiaki pulls back, looking down at liqin’s face. “you love me,” he repeats. “and you’d rather die than not love me.”

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀liqin wrinkles his nose. “do you have nothing better to do than repeat what you’ve been told?” he snaps, eyes lighting up with mirth as he leans forward. “i love you.” this is whispered against toshiaki’s lips as he trails his hands upward, wrapping his arms around the other’s neck. “i’d rather die than not love you.” this, he pulls back enough to say just so he can watch as toshiaki’s cheeks flush pink at the confession.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀they trade confessions in the rising sun, whispering promises of forever. liqin lets himself be lost in toshiaki, melting in the warmth of his embrace, as they tangle themselves in the blanket. they have still have things to explain and feelings to express, but for now, they let themselves fall into each other.