The Great War of Melee (Part 1)

MH | Aquos 07/10/17

Time to write some shitty fan fiction. But it's from the esteemed writer, Melee Hell | Aquos, so of course it will be a groundbreaking piece of literature. Let's go.

In the year 1939, a Reddit thread is created called does "Does HugS really eat ass?". This sends waves through the community as important take sides. As most Reddit threads go, it devolves into a series of copypastas. When the thread is ended to be archived for history, sides have been taken and the stage has been set.

The Great War of Melee (Part 1)-Time to write some shitty fan fiction. But it's from the esteemed writer, Melee Hell | Aquos,

The Swedes believe that the optimal and correct play is to side against Hugs, while Mang0 and PPMD believe that the correct read is to side with Hugs because according to Mang0 "agreeing with the Swedes makes you a wiener". PPMD mishears this as "Swedes don't have wieners"' and he is immediately scared for losing the little testosterone he has left.

As both sides head off to go prepare for war it is mutually agreed on to exclude Hungrybox from the whole conflict because of Armada's deep hatred of Puff and Mang0 hating Hungrybox because he plays gay. There is also a mutual fear of Hungrybox being on the winning side of the war and killing everyone with his gigantic pop off, which would result in a catastrophic earthquake killing everyone, and thus making the war pointless. In a effort to rid Hungrybox, he is sent to a deserted island. Hbox requests one little thing and the 3 Gods and one Godslayer accept. In Hungrybox's own words "I want to take Crunch with me so I can make sweet love to him". Hungrybox's girlfriend is distraught and asks for Hbox and Crunch to be sent away immediately, to which her request is granted.

With Hungrybox out of the way, both sides can finally start war preparations.

Team USA Prepares

Mang0 heads west to Norwalk, California, his hometown. When Mang0 arrives and enters Lucky's apartment he sees Lucky, Alex19 (The Magic) , and S2J smoking weed and playing Mario Kart 8 on Funday all while streaming this to Twitch. Mang0 tells the Norwalk crew to "stop being lazy bishes and help me beat these god damm Swedes". Upon hearing this, Twitch chat reacts with a flurry of MangoW's and PogChamp's. Norwalk agrees as they too want to beat the Swedes and not be considered pussies. And The Magic wants to stop being a meme and actually be taken seriously.

Mang0 then goes to SFAT's house to convince SFAT to the fight against the Swedes. SFAT, having no friends, decides it would be a great opportunity to make some and goes; SFAT also decides for his significant other, PewPewU, that he'll fight in the war too. When PewPewU learns he's fighting in a war with his dearly beloved, he can only mutter Marth's Japanese phrases in shock.

Mango also calls one of his homies, Chillin, and asks if he wants to be in the war. Chillin, being chill, accepts chilly.

PPMD heads east, back to his hometown of Raleigh, North Carolina. PPMD suddenly realizes though that North Carolina has no Melee scene and instead travels to the east coast to convince Hax$ and other devout followers of the B0XX. PPMD quickly learns that he is too late though, as Armada has already convinced Hax$ that the optimal play is to side with the Swedes. Armada also promises to legalize the B0XX if the Swedes win the war. PPMD sees the opportunity in this and travels down to Florida to recruit Gravy, and to a lesser extent, the 20GX crew. Upon hearing Hax$ sided with the Swedes, Gravy s PPMD solely in spite of Hax$. After playing Falcon dittoes with Wizzrobe and Ghatzu, Gravy convinces them to Team USA.

Shortly after, Gravy and Hax$ bitch about the legality of the B0XX and the SmashBox on Twitter.

Legal?

PPMD stays in Florida to try and convince Mew2King to the war, but Mew2King has no interest as he wants to keep playing friendlies on his stream with Plup.

Finally, PPMD flies up to East Coast again to recruit team Grab N' Go (DJ Nintendo and The Moon). When PPMD arrives, he sees The Moon teaching a bunch of newcomers to the game about the dangers of double lasers from the ledge. He quietly says "that's not safe my guy" as he ends his lesson. PPMD asks if he would to be apart of Team USA to help defeat the Swedes. The Moon, thinking vigorously about all the questionable Facebook posts he has made in his past, reluctantly accepts. DJ Nintendo tags along too.

As Team USA makes preparations for the war, the Swedes do the same.

Team Swede Prepares

Armada is sent down to the U.S to recruit help for Team Swedes. Armada knows it will be tough to convince people, but he believes that he is up for the challenge.

Armada first flies to MDVA to visit ChuDat. Armada promises Chu that his legacy as a player is safe with him and that when the Swedes wins the war, wobbling will be never be banned. ChuDat, falling into the temptations, agrees and says "YAYUZZZZ" to ensure Armada. Armada also talks to Chillin and tells him about Chu defecting from Team USA. This, along with Armada enticing the deal by showing

Chillin the true power of the Swedish Fox if he defects is enough for Chillin. Armada completes the deal by telling Chillin that his goal is to be a spy for Team Swede. Chillin's mission is to gain intel about Team USA's forces and report back when he has gathered enough info.

Armada then travels to Michigan to try and recruit KJH, Prince Abu and Duck. Armada first visits KJH's house to convince him to the Swedes. KJH and Armada are close after Armada was taught by KJH how to go for the deep shine offstage. Armada became so good at this that it was called the "Armada shine". KJH realizes how he could become training partners with Armada after the war, and agrees. Prince Abu is sick of being used as warmup practices for Hungrybox and decides to turn his back on America ing Team Swede. When Armada looks for Duck he is nowhere to be found. Armada, frustrated for not being able to find Duck, heads back to Sweden to set up base.

Armada raps up his quest to acquire people by calling his brudder, Android. Being brudders, Android exclaims "are you keeding me, I'd love to fight alongside my favorite brudder". As Armada hears this, he pumps his fist into the air like a 80's action movie star after finishing a training montage.

Leffen decides to stay inside Europe for his quest to recruit fighters for Team Swede. Leffen first decides to call his partner, Ice. Ice, being German, is always ready to fight/start a war and agrees instantly.

Leffen next heads to the U.K to try and convince Professor Pro to him. Leffen and Professor Pro meet at a restaurant, orders 2 batches of fish and chips, and after small talk, Leffen finally pops the cherry. "So Prof", Leffen coldly says while sipping his diet soda, "how about you me and Armada and fight against the Buster and Team USA". Professor Pro, ing all the time he's been bodied by Leffen in Fox dittoes, nervously stutters, "sure Leffen, we're good chaps right". Leffen quietly cusses at Professor Pro and says "sure, whatever". Leffen rolls his eyes as he says this.

After getting Professor Pro to be on Team Swede, Leffen walks out of the restaurant, leaving Pro to pay the bill.

Leffen decides to scroll down the list of non-American candidates to recruit for the Swedes. Leffen then realizes though that a lot of people hate him, so he decides to do the one thing that's always worked for him-bully people! Leffen thinks about it and says, "wait, that would mean they would turn on me later". So Leffen chooses to go the other route. Gay smashers. By using his amazing masculine (maybe feminine) charm Leffen is able to set up

appointments to convince KirbyKaze and MacD to Team Swede. Leffen lets KirbyKaze and MacD choose the location and to Leffen's unknowing surprise, he is Uber'd to a gay nightclub in Toronto, Canada where he meets MacD and KirbyKaze. As Leffen opens the door and walks into the bar, MacD immediately greets Leffen with a big hug. Leffen shoves MacD away and politely says "hi" to KirbyKaze (KK for short). After a few drinks at the bar, Leffen lays down his plan for KK and MacD. "So, I want you guys to Team Swede, because I really want to beat Team USA's ass!" Leffen whispers excitedly. MacD quickly agrees as he relishes the chance to hit on Leffen and eventually try to marry him. KK isn't so sure but after Leffen tells him he can hit on Yabasta and himself KirbyKaze is relatively satisfied.

Leffen flies out of Cali, considering his mission well done and successful.

Meanwhile.......

A dark figure sits in a lone, single bedroom. In his DX racer chair he spins around and laughs, then grabbing and eating his bag of pork rinds. The man turns around and turns on his computer, starting up his Twitch so he can stream. He watches as Team Swede and Team USA plot against each other. "Perfect, this will be great for stream viewership!" He shouts. "Callate" his mom yells at him in Spanish. "Fino", he replies. The man lurks in the shadows

smiling. He watches both teams contently, waiting to see their next move.

Team Swede

Armada

Leffen

Hax$

Ice

Chillendude

ChuDat

KJH

Prince Abu

Professor Pro

Android