Autumn Change Challenge

This is the story of how mental health had impacted myself and my school life and what I did to bounce back from it.

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”Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks about changing himself.”

~Leo Tolstoy~

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**Mental Health Trigger Warning**

(Happy ending, I promise)

2017 and early 2018 were extremely challenging for me. Never had I ever been so low my entire life. I wasn’t even just low, I somehow managed to keep digging my own grave by making mistakes in every aspect of my life, it seemed.

My school life suffered.

By the time I was aware of what was really going on, my school life had suffered. School was a suffocating place to be. I was usually late and the first to leave classes. My grades were on a downward trend.

Trauma had changed me.

It made me into a paranoid person who was unable to trust others and also left me feeling powerless to change my situation or stand up for myself. I was bitter about life and had lost motivation for everything...

...little did I know, my real journey towards change had just begun.

~*~

Grief does not change you.

        ... it reveals you.

~John Green, The Fault in Our Stars~

~*~

I worked on myself and I hung by the nails of my fingers. I’m still not completely healed from what had transpired and though not officially diagnosed, my therapist and I agree that events had been pretty traumatic for me, that my brain’s chemistry had changed for worse and I had to take meds to normalize again. Trauma had changed my way of thinking, had impacted how I ate and slept, I had nightmares (even to this day) and had also changed the way I trust others and see myself with other people.

It couldn’t go on like this, I thought.

I decided to take a leap of faith.

I took a Leave of Absence from school this past July after taking the advice and of good friends (Shout-out to my toaster fam), my psychiatrist and my therapist. While I believed that a break from school would be the worst thing to do to my reputation and work flow, ive people in my life who saw my struggle got me convinced it would make me a stronger person.

During this LOA, I decided to do what I always wanted to do as a teenager which was to do medical volunteering.

I went to Guatemala,

not even knowing a lick of Spanish, and worked for two weeks at a government funded clinic where I did triage, gave immunizations, check-up procedures and observed the pediatrician and other doctors.

I also started taking Spanish lessons and wandered around a Spanish speaking city. I stressed out over the language barrier but the medicine and nursing care were fundamentally the same so all I had to do was do what I could and do them to the best of my abilities and everything worked out.

The happiness and productivity gave me the confidence I needed to confess my love to a friend I had started developing feelings for by the storm.

I feeling my rapid heartbeat on my dry throat and sweaty, nervous temples as I waited for her answer.

I told her repeatedly to take her time thinking about it but honestly I couldn’t freakin’ wait to either get my heart broken or feel cloud nine. I needed to know so bad.

Luckily, she reciprocated my feelings

by answering positively a couple days later and then there were two less single girls in the world.

:heart: :rainbow:

This was where the real positive changes happened and solidified inside me.

Yes, I still have nightmares but thanks to the time difference, it gave me tremendous comfort knowing my girl would be a message away and that she would be awake too and could reply.

I could finally sleep and eat properly. I was loved.

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No, I *am* loved.

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The dark clouds of depression lifted and I’m now able to function and look forward to the future. I was no longer completely hung up on the past but filled with presently matters like “I hope she wakes up soon”, “it’s been 76 seconds since I last talked to Joy I miss her” and the sweet, sweet replies that tells me “I love you too”.

Life had done a number on me, broke me and had changed me - turning me into a negative person but by starting with a leap of faith: believing in myself and my ability to overcome challenges in a completely foreign country, I proved to myself that my downfalls did not define me.

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Do you hear me, dear reader?

Our downfalls do not define us.

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I’m back in school now, and I’ve changed like the seasons. I’m stronger. I’m not healed completely but I feel happier, and ed by the love I get from my inspiring, multitalented and sweet girlfriend.

I even got a 90% in my last test!

:sparkles: :relaxed: :sparkles:

~*~

Autumn is now here

Love, I have certainly changed

How lucky am I

~Haiku by Mia~

~*~

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