loving yourself :hearts: || and rants and stuff

↫ in no way did I intend this to be a pity post, or a post that's trying to seek attention. it's not really taylor related either, i'm sorry. i just needed a place to rant basically, i hope y'all don't mind. and i'm okay, okay? don't feel the need to comfort me or anything, because i'm genuinely okay ↬

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i've been wanting to do this for a few days actually, but i just never got the right time. or, I didn't feel like it. so for the past few days, i haven't been really motivated to do anything lately, or just generally feeling down. you know, we all have those periods of moments where we just feel a heavy sense of being for no particular reason specifically. I've been feeling like that lately, where i just feel so heavy, mentally. which brings me to:

do you love yourself?

do i love myself?

and as i thought about it, the answer is no. no, i don't love myself. not fully, anyways. there are some parts that i love, and some parts i don't. and i think we're all like that. there'll always be traits and...parts of us that we won't like, or you might not like yourself in entirety at all, but i realised that in order to love yourself, to TRULY love yourself, you don't necessarily need to love all the parts of you. you just need to accept them exactly as they are. accept it, and feel happy about it. do you get what i mean?

it's not like 'oh i'm ugly so she's telling me to accept that i'm ugly? jee wizz thanks a lot Hazel.' i don't think anyone's ugly to be honest. fine, if you think you are, then i can't really change the deception of what you're thinking you are to be. it's more like 'i accept that i'm not the smartest, or i'm not good at drawing, but there are other things in which i excel at.' you've probably heard this a lot of times, and it's not going to really change anything, but you don't need to change yourself for anyone.

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this week, i walked into my school thinking that i had become a better person (at least in my eyes), that i had become a more confident person that didn't care about what other people thought. and i did feel that way, but alas, it didn't last *scoffs* it felt good while it lasted though. i'd like to say i'm nearly there. or halfway. i'm generally a socially awkward person and i'm not really a comfortable person in social situations, so being in a school with 2,500 students (i know schools out there have WAY more students), it feels like everyone is constantly judging. in truth, everyone judges, it's human nature. i judge people, more often than i'd like to it, since i hate judging. but i do do it. this endless drone of 'people are judging you' and 'you don't care Hazel, you're confident and free and just the way you're meant to be' battles constantly in my head whenever i walk around in school. it lessens when i'm with friends. but it's there.

at times, i envy those people who have an outgoing personality and are able to make friends with anyone they meet. life just seems so much easier for them, you know? sometimes, i find myself thinking 'what would *insert outgoing person's name* do in this instance?' and then i realise that NO, YOU ARE YOU, YOU ACT WHAT YOU DO, AND NO ONE ELSE. at times, i wish to be more like them. but at times, i accept that i'm a socially awkward person. not everyone's the same after all.

so it's okay, if you're like me. if you feel anxiety whenever you walk into a classroom late because everyone's already seated and you have to take the front seat which makes you think even more that people are watching you. it's okay, if you don't speak whenever you're in large groups, because what does one say to be able to fit in? it's okay. you're not alone. you have me 🙃

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my parents tell me to make more friends, because i'm always complaining how none of my good/best friends are in any of my classes this year. and i try, and i have succeeded, partially :)) it's not as easy as they make it out to seem. it's not easy at all. my mum says that that's life, and it gets harder when you're working. and i get it, i do. but i like my friends now. i don't want new friends. they're enough. because making new friends just seem like too much of a hassle; you have to introduce yourself, what colours you like and all that random shit, and it's draining. it's exhausting. sometimes, i feel like i'm not being me at all, just a happier version of me that everyone is gladly willing to accept. but (there's always a but), that's the way of life.

i don't love myself. yet. i'm on my way though, i genuinely am. and for you, if you love yourself, i'm so happy for you. be who you want to be, and don't let anyone tell you what to do. you own yourself, no one else.

and if you're a little like me, that's okay too. be around people who make you happy, and do the things that make you happy. there are always going to be sad days, and days where you just don't feel anything, but , when you're having those days, it's you who chooses whether you're going to accept yourself or not. it's you. in the end, it's all you. you make the decisions, you make the choices.

i love you.

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