Robert Lightwood Speaks Up

Hello All You Readers and Writers

Today I will be doing the Journal Challenge. I will be writing from the perspective of Robert Lightwood, from the Shadowhunter Chronicles, and he will be talking to you about who he really is. There will be spoilers from The Mortal Instruments novels all the way up to The Dark Artifices. Have fun and enjoy!

Robert Lightwood

If you were to ask other people who I am they would tell you all about the unflattering aspects of me. Cheater, murderer, horrible friend and father, and so much more. But that's not really a fair or accurate measure of all that I am. While I can't deny that I have been all of those things, it certainly isn't everything that I am, was, or will be. Reminisce with me while I take a look back at some facets of myself that the naysayers might not have ever known about.

Friend

I never really had friends when I was growing up. In fact most of the other children avoided me. They saw me as week. My parents were so afraid that I wouldn't survive my first rune, that they waited an extra year before giving me my clairvoyance rune. I wasn't strong. I wasn't wanted. I wasn't really a Shadowhunter. At least that was how it felt. And then I met Michael.

Michael Wayland was my first friend, and the only true friend I ever had. He liked me, and nothing else mattered. He wanted to be my Parabatai and I couldn't figure out why he would want to be forever bound to a Shadowhunter as weak as myself. But I guess that is what a real friend is. Someone who sees past your faults, and weaknesses, and loves you anyway. He was the only real thing in my life, and I ended up ruining it.

The day Michael told me he was in love with me was the day I regret most in my life. My Parabatai had found the strength, and courage, to tell me he had loved me for years and I turned my back on him. He had been there for me when I was at my weakest, when I was most afraid, and when I was in pain. Then when my friend, my brother, my Parabatai needed me most I called him the most horrible of names and told him our friendship was over. If I could go back and change that day I would. I wish I had the strength all those years ago to take him into my arms and tell him that it didn't matter. That he was still the same Michael that I had known and cared for since childhood. Maybe if I had been stronger than, I wouldn't have made the same mistake with my son.

Follower

As you know I was once a member of The Circle, along with my ex-wife, Maryse. I never really believed in Valentine, or his cause. It was never for him that I ed The Circle, and participated in the Uprising. It was for Maryse Trueblood, the girl that I was in love with. Mayrse, all those years ago, truly believed in the cause that Valentine was pursuing, but if it hadn't been for her belief in him I never would have stayed or fought for him.

I think what caused that first rift between Maryse and myself was back before the Uprising even happened. I believe it was that night that we, The Circle, killed the Whitelaws of the New York Institute because they fought against us to protect the Downworlders. We already had Alec by then, but our relationship was never really the same. It couldn't be, not after I killed a fellow Shadowhunter to save Maryse's life.

Father

I've certainly made some mistakes as a father, who hasn't, I just made more than most. But one thing that was never in doubt, for myself, was that I loved my children. There was nothing that they could do or say that could make me not love them. I know what you're thinking, that when I found out that Alec was in love with Magnus that I turned my back on him. And while that may have been true, it wasn't because I stopped loving him. I couldn't it it to myself, at the time, but I think it made me love him even more. That he was willing to let himself love who he loved, no matter what anyone else might think made me ire him.

When I first leaned that Alec and Magnus were in a relationship all I could think about was my Parabatai, Michael Wayland. I still hadn't worked through the pain and emotions that all those years ago had caused for me, and I wasn't ready to do it then. So, to stop myself from feeling the regret, guilt, and shameful feelings I had over how I betrayed my Parabatai I pushed my son away so I wouldn't have to face it.

That of course was an even bigger mistake than when I had done it to Michael. Over the years Alec and I have been working through our relationship, and I think we have finally come to an understanding of love and even respect for each other. At least I certainly hope we have, because I love him more than life itself.

Grandfather

Being a grandfather is even more amazing than being a father ever was. Well, not so much better, but differently better. If that makes sense. Max and Rafael are the two most perfect children in the history of the world. I'm not biased at all, even if they weren't my grandchildren I'd still think the same, honest.

The first time I saw little Max, this was before Alec and Magnus had officially decided to adopt him, I just knew that he would be my grandson. It was like when I first held Alec in my arms I knew that this boy was now and forever my son. I knew that nothing and no one could tell me that this blue little Warlock boy was not my family, not my grandson. He just was. It was the first time I loved someone so much, and so unconditionally, since my own Max had been born. I couldn't be more proud that this boy shares his name.

Lost

The way I have felt for most of my life is lost. I have never been able to find myself on my own. It has always been through the people I have loved, and cherished, most that I have been able to find myself. First through my Parabatai I was able to see that I was strong, that I was meant to be a Shadowhunter. But now in death Michael is lost to me. It was through Maryse that I was able to believe that I was someone who could be loved. But now because of the divorce Maryse is lost to me. Although, we are better separate than we ever were together.

It is through my children that I have found that unconditional love does exist. When we lost Max a part of my heart died along with him, and I'm not sure I'll ever find it again. When I pushed Alec away I realized that respect and love aren't the same thing, but I think we are on our way to rediscovering that once again. I have lost, and gained, and every one has changed my life for the better in the end.

One day I know that I will find my Parabatai again. And when I do the first thing I will say to him is, "I have always loved you my brother. I never forgot you, and hope you have found it in your heart to forgive me."