I always pictured that time could just stop. But that doesn't seem to be the case, I wonder now looking at your face how much you still care for her. Will it and does her ing stop you from falling in love. No.... It can't be... Surely not.. right?
..........................................
As I sigh with a bated breath in which I didn't know existed, I blurt out, "It's better just to ask him myself isn't it?" It's not like anything bad can truly come out of it other than the fact of him getting mad at me yet again.... Today is August 25 a day where it's just the perfect temperature just to chill. I grab all of my stuff I need including sunglasses and head out wondering if I'll actually ask.....
He doesn't care.
I hear something sharp piercing my head.
Don't talk to him he loved me, he still loves me.
What do you mean he still loves you, who still loves you? Why are you in my head???
The voice giggles and replies with a light hearted laugh.
Oh you already know who I am Emi... Or did you already forget?
Wait... No I can't be hearing this voice... This can't be...
Kaori?? Is that you???
Of course it is silly! Didn't think I could talk to you but here we are haha.... And I know what you're thinking. Of course he hasn't gotten over my death, i-I reached him, he'll never get over me.
What do you mean? I see that he may never get over you ing but his wounds will heal, I'm pretty sure he may just need time. And why are you talking to me?
Hmmm trust me with me and his mom being dead he'll never quite heal from his wounds but he may move on.... To answer your question I'm not to sure why you can hear me. Oh wait of course I know! It's because you can hear dead spirits. Ahh who did I hear that from I think I heard it fro-
ENOUGH I don't want to hear it your just a figment of my imagination so leave me alone.
I haven't heard from a dead person since one of my close family ed. I'm not sure why but this just seems to happen. After someone I know dies I can talk to them for a long time until they're not important in my life anymore. Turns out something happens to people after they die and are close to me, they become slightly corrupted bent on talking to other people, bent on doing things they want to do, bent on... revenge. Kaori sadly seems no different... She's already over protective over Kousei...
Hey! Are you listening to me??? Just don't let him forget me I don't want him to forget me I want to stay in his heart forever Emi please-
What!? Are you going to ask my to talk to Kousei so you can let him listen to the you that's no longer here... You're all the same... ALL THE SAME-
Wh-what? N-no that's not what I want... I just want to know that he still cares that's all. In the beginning I only said scary things to get your attention!! Dead people are all the same huh? Well duh of course, we're all dead! But no I don't want anything out of you I just want to know if he's ok... That's all... Sorry I was mad I just miss him, I just miss everyone...
I could could just feel her soul breathing a dismal agony and I knew she wasn't lying... I knew she hadn't changed... Ah who am I kidding I just thought a couple seconds ago she was the same. I am way too quick to make judgements....
Ok then so do you want me to tell you if he's ok or...
Please bring him I want to see him, hear him! I-if you can't do that at least take a picture of him I just want to see him I don't care how.
She can't follow me because she isn't a soul exactly like other in my family had been, she was a ghost meaning that where ever she wanted to be she was there but she could only stay there. I wonder why she didn't go choose Kousei's house... She could have just stayed there.... Or maybe there's another reason, but besides the point most souls stay as ghosts because they have unfinished problem they have to deal with and once that happens their souls finally come at rest and they are at peace. Kaori I'm guessing since she never told Kousei she loved him in person nor saw his reaction to the letter she wrote for him... That must be her problem.
I guess I'll help I mean all you want to do is see home right?
Yes, please! If I could see any of the others that would be great too but I don't want to ask for too much... Have a good day Emi I'm glad I could see you.
Again I could feel her soul expressing how she felt which was happy. I felt her soul smiling at me, and for some reason that made me want to help her more.
I stopped standing still and put my feet in motion, for I knew where my destination was. "I'm coming for you Kousei." I say as I pick up my pace hoping to help the restless soul and the man that stole my heart.
WOHOOO CHAPTER UNO DONIO I HOPE YOU ALL LIKE IT *SCREAMS INTERNALLY* This is just the start so get ready for Freddy kids cause this is gonna be messed up! Woohoooo *coughs* what am I doing to all of us?)
Comments (7)
Also (first kxhdblxks sorry I didn't write this sooner as promised which is my bad, but.. Some stuff came up) anyways-Hiroko did a pretty good job of reviewing the major points (props muh dude ^^) but besides that...
Ok this is the first time Ive seen someone take a step outside of the typical ideals- Kaori lives or Tsubaki with Kousei- its more unconventional, and therefore definitely more intresting.
And... PROBLEM TIME!
Alright, sorry if this sounds harsh, but your formatting although legible, might be better with font differences, and more clear dialogue marks, spacing in between dialogues would be nice. The differentiation with thought, dialogue and speech occasionally occurs, but some narration feels like thoguht and vice versa.. Need to differentiate, and perhaps have a key at the beginning
Also.. Here: bated breath in which I didn't know existed, I blurt out, id probably reformat that sentance-- a bated breath i didnt know existed? Feels too forced imao. But.. Just being knitpicky and this is just a first thing i saw-- theres definitely more, but if you want to check, just try recording yourself reading it out loud, and playong it back to yourself. If it sounds wierd and forced, theres something that needs to be changed(native speakers have sucha nice instinct to decide if its 'wierd' or 'off' which you definitely should use)
That's all ive got for now //flopsaround. Seriously though, take this criticism with a grain of salt - im not the best writer, but im just being arrogant and critiquing. My criticism might be wrong butt.. This is muh ideas on how to improve.
Hope this helps!!!
Cheers
S
Actually thank you for this I will make it more clear in the future and I do see that that sounds forced believe me when I say that I argued about leaving sentence worse thing is this is my main language aha... I do see these flaws and will fix them thank you so much for the criticism. Also I wrote this at 1:00 or really late so that probably helps my mistakes too :joy: .
First, the positives:
You have a very creative and intriguing plot-line set up-I can’t wait to see it grow. You also choose a less popular character -so kudos to you for taking on that challenge.
Now a few critiques:
I found some of the phrasing to be a bit awkward-however that is a very very common problem for the young authors in this community so I wouldn’t worry about it too much.
I find many people have opted for the usage first person over ...say third. I find that very interesting-it is perhaps because lots of YA books are in first-but then again I really wouldn’t know.
Lastly, a few grammar mistakes-but unless you have an editor those are almost unavoidable.
I can’t wait to see where you will take this.
Thank you so much! I will try to be using different perspectives because I believe I can practice them! As for the pacing I will try to improve that as well.
Reply to: :star2: * Sasha * :star2:
Phrasing**
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