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statistics ::
words : 3,801
characters w/ spaces : 21,200
characters w/out spaces : 17,353
paragraphs : 74
tags ::
:cherry_blossom: :: #KKJuly
:cherry_blossom: :: #WritingMatters
:cherry_blossom: :: #FeatureThis
:cherry_blossom: :: #CCCWritingReview
:cherry_blossom: :: #MiriTama
characters in story ::
Mirio Togata
Tamaki Amajiki
Toshinori Yagi
Nejire Hado
Chiyo Shuzenji
Tomoko Shiretoko
![Fell (from Heaven) for You | Part One-[C]┊ ┊ ┊ ┊
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Fell (from Heaven) for You
Part One
Two pairs of white, downy wings beat asynchronously. Two blonde men surveyed the small village, searching for trouble. The eldest was a man ready to retire; the youngest was the one chosen to take his place as guardian of this village. "Look there, Young Togata," the eldest spoke. He drew the younger one's attention to an elderly couple standing on their fishing pier. Their argument was imperceptible from this distance, but he could distinguish dark shapes flitting about nearby. "Demons."
The elder angel was the first to descend, but Mirio was not far behind. As they approached, he caught the woman's voice. "It's going to rain soon. If you go out to fish now, you will be out in the storm," she voiced her concerns as the two sprites landed nearby.
"What kind of Demon is that?" the elder quizzed Mirio, motioning to a growing shadow standing behind the lady. Its shape was reminiscent of a human torso, with its lower half melding into the ground like a shadow. Its hands sported long, sharp claws. It had no facial features except glowing red orbs that replaced its eyes.
"That's a Fear Demon, Yagi-sensei," Mirio replied.
"And what of that one?" Toshinori continued, motioning to a similar shadow behind the man. This creature was also humanoid, with bulging muscles and dark feathers surrounding its head to resemble a lion's mane.
"A Pride Demon," Mirio noted. Toshinori nodded his approval, and they fell silent to listen to the couple's argument. The man was confident he would finish before the storm rolled around, and even if he wasn't, it couldn't possibly be strong enough to put him in danger. The woman was worried about him out at sea in the middle of a storm, and nobody being able to rescue him.
"We need not fight both of them," Toshinori said. "There is a way to dispel both Demons in one battle. Do you know what to do?"
Mirio examined the two demons, then thought through the situation. The Fear Demon was born out of a worry for the woman's husband. The Pride Demon was born out of a lack of fear. "If we dispel the Pride Demon, the man will see that his wife is worried," Mirio explained. "He will not go out, and she will not need to fear anymore, which will banish the Fear Demon."
"Good, good," Toshinori complimented him. "Now, , some Demons are healthy. While they never have good intentions, imagine what would happen if this Fear Demon hadn't latched on to the lady. The man would have gone out to sea, and possibly died. The woman's worry is healthy, proof that she cares for him."
"What is with all the questions today?" Mirio asked. "I've been under your tutelage for a year; I know how to identify Demons."
Toshinori chuckled. "Your final exam is tomorrow," he revealed. Mirio stared at Toshinori, his mouth hanging open. "Don't be so shocked, young Togata. You have proven that you are trustworthy and powerful. Edinpool will be lucky to have you as a guardian; I couldn't imagine a better replacement. Now, stop staring, let's get rid of this Demon before it's too late."
Mirio's attention immediately snapped back to the Demon. This battle was his last fight as an apprentice. Tomorrow, he'd be a full-fledged angel. He felt the need to prove himself in this fight. Toshinori titled his head forward ever so slightly, and Mirio rushed at the Pride Demon.
Having heard every word they had uttered, the Pride Demon knew what was coming. Its body bent unnaturally at the waist to allow Mirio to fly right past it, remaining at the man's side. He was quick to react, making a hairpin turn to charge at it again. It easily dodged again, but this time it reached out its claw and scratched Mirio as he soared by. Mirio felt his confidence swell. This Demon wouldn't be a problem. He'd prove to Toshinori that he could handle any threat that came at him.
He took to the skies and raised his arm to the air, and the light from the setting sun seemed drawn to it. The light bent to his hand until a warm glow coated it. He performed an aerial attack, maneuvering in the air as he approached the shadow. It was hiding behind the human, but that wasn't a problem. Mirio would just go through him.
"Togata, that you can't let the Light touch the humans, or else they'll be able to see into our world!" Toshinori called. Mirio forced himself to stop. Of course. How could he forget something so basic? The Pride Demon's attack had been more severe than he thought. He didn't dispel the light, instead started flying in circles around the older man.
The Pride Demon tried staying hidden behind the mortal, but couldn't move as fast as Mirio. It might not have even noticed when Mirio reached out and slapped him as he flew overhead. Typically, it would be a relatively harmless attack. The light stuck to the Demon. It screeched in pain, clawing at its face, as Mirio landed next to Toshinori again. The fire spread to the rest of its body, burning it to a crisp.
The two angels watched as the man hesitated in the argument. "Look...if it matters so much to you, I suppose I can wait until the weather clears up," he said.
The woman sighed in relief. The Fear Demon was blown away by an intangible wind as she sighed. "Thank you, dear. Come, I have soup prepared inside." With their arms locked together, they escorted each other to a small house near the shore.
"Good job," Toshinori complimented him again. "But you nearly messed up real bad there. If you had hit the man with that, we'd have to do something about it. It might have even delayed your exam."
"I'm sorry," Mirio said, his head lowered. "I let the Pride Demon's influence control me more than I thought."
"Well, you did not harm anybody," Toshinori considered. "Let's return to the city."
Mirio nodded, and the two took off into the clouds. As they ascended, Mirio glanced down to survey the town from a higher altitude. A figure sitting on the shore drew his attention. Even though he was too far to make out who it was, he knew. A black shape flowed from his shoulders and trailed several feet behind him, like a cloak. Tamaki Amajiki.
He hadn't noticed he had stopped ascending until Toshinori returned to him. He was staring down at the lonely figure, sitting in the sand in the dark. "Mirio," Toshinori said softly. He rarely called him by his first name. "I know you are concerned about him. You've tried to save him before; I can recognize Depression Demon injuries. Not even the strongest angels can take one of those on without help. You need to focus on whom you can save."
Mirio snapped his head up to look Toshinori in the eyes. "Whom I can save? I can save him. I will save him," he insisted. "I don't know why they haven't decided to send a team for the Demon, but even if they never do, I won't just sit by while it devours him."
Toshinori's expression was impossible to read. "I know you don't like hearing this, but Amajiki is a low priority. He's not anybody import-"
"Yeah, tell that to his family and friends," Mirio interrupted. They fell silent, and Mirio collected himself. "I'm...sorry."
"It's understandable," Toshinori said softly. "You have a selfless heart, young Togata. I know you want to save everyone, but you must choose your battles."
Mirio looked back down at Tamaki, then continued to ascend until the clouds obscured his vision. He kept rising as the air grew thinner until he burst through unusually thick vapor and emerged on the street in a city made of clouds. Toshinori appeared beside him, and several of his friends approached to hear his report.
At some point, Toshinori disappeared in the crowd, allowing Mirio to socialize with half the population of the city.
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The test was simple. Mirio would go a full day of watching over Edinpool entirely alone. Nobody would check up on him or interfere. He had a quota of Demons he'd have to dispel, but that was the only regulation. Upon hearing the rules of his trial, Mirio had already formulated a plan. Now, he descended upon his village, searching for the same figure he had seen the night prior.
Tamaki was with one of his few friends, Nejire, outside the barn she owned. Even though Nejire was free from any Demon, the cloak surrounding Tamaki was still dark and long, trailing behind him by several feet. Mirio landed a few feet away, drawing a deep breath to prepare himself. He raised his arm to the sky and collected light. This was his one chance to save Tamaki. He didn't need to fear that anybody would catch him and interrupt him. But he also knew that if things went south, nobody would know until the next day.
Perhaps he could take it out in one sneak attack. With that in mind, he held his breath and dashed toward it, hand outreached in hopes of spreading the light.
Mirio was amazed as he approached the cloak. Nothing moves to defend the Demon from his attack. He had never managed to strike a Depression Demon. His hand dipped into the shadow as he flew past, and Mirio was confident he had dealt a successful blow. However, when he looked back over his shoulder, expecting the cloak to have shortened, he was met with a different sight. There was no light burning through the Demon.
He looked down at his hand to confirm he had gathered the light. Instead of glowing, however, his hand was cloaked in darkness. He stared in horror as this darkness manifested into a gaping maw that brought its sharp teeth down around his wrist. With a yelp of pain, Mirio flung the Gluttony Demon off his hand. Had the Depression Demon turned his light into darkness? How powerful was it to be able to eat the sun?
As he watched, the cloak bubbled as if it was boiling. More shapes sprung out of it; different Demons to protect it—fear, Hatred, Sloth, Gluttony, all the negative aspect that came with depression. Mirio quickly collected more light, preparing to fight them off. This would be how he would meet his quota. And he would free Tamaki in the process.
The dangerous battle began: Mirio against dozens of Demons. Luckily, it only took one hit to bring most Demons down. Despite his best efforts, however, he couldn't get very close to the Depression Demon. The others were doing their job too well, making sure Mirio couldn't approach the shadow. No matter how many he dispelled, the cloak made more and more.
"Thanks, Nejire, but I'm not feeling too well right now. I'll have to ; I think I should rest," Mirio heard Tamaki said. The spawning of the Demons must affect him. To him, his depression was just acting up. Tamaki turned and started trudging toward his house, bringing Mirio's target further away.
In his lapse of concentration, he felt a powerful force ram into his side, knocking him several feet over, onto his back. He quickly sat up, looking around frantically. It didn't take long to spot the hulking figure approaching him. A grotesque Demon that he had never seen before. Its visage resembled Tamaki himself, but a twisted version. Its limbs bent at unnatural angles; its mouth was torn open to its pointed ears. Not to mention, it was three feet taller than Tamaki.
One of its arms turned into a tendril. Mirio had no way of knowing what would happen next. The tendril shot forward, impaling his arm. There was no wound or blood, but the light dispelled, and it pinned him down. In this state, the other Demons had no trouble overtaking him. He soon found himself attempting to fend off a wave of Demons with one hand, lying on his back.
He doesn't know what happened after that. He doesn't how long he lasted. All he ed was waking up.
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A beam ran across the roof of the ceiling, connected to the walls by shorter beams. The roof flickered with the shadows of several torches, lined across the walls. Mirio stared up at them, watching them dance. His whole body ached. He couldn't much, but it was safe to assume he had lost to the Demons. But where was he?
"Finally awake, I see," a voice interrupted his thoughts. He turned his head to see his nurse. A short, older woman was sitting in a chair farther down the room. Two other cots were pressed against the walls, both of which were empty. Each one had a bedside table, and further maneuvering revealed Mirio had one too.
"You should sit still," the old lady advised."I don't know what caused your injuries, but you're not finished healing."
With a sigh, Mirio laid his head back down. "Sorry for the trouble," he mumbled. "I'm the heir to Yagi-sensei's village. For my final exam, I thought I could rid one of the residents of a Depression Demon."
There was silence for a moment. "I don't know what you're talking about," the lady said uncertainly. "Perhaps you've taken some brain damage as well."
Mirio sat up, confused, and glanced over at the woman. She had risen to her feet, and was approaching him, concerned. His eyes were drawn to space directly behind her. She had no wings; she wasn't an angel.
He instinctively shot to his feet, overcome by fear and confusion. Pain jolted through his body, but he ignored it. He spread his wings, ready to flee, but nothing happened. He felt no reaction from any of his muscles. He glanced over his shoulder to confirm his fear: he had no wings.
"Calm down, calm down," the nurse said slowly. "No good will come from overexerting your body."
"Where am I? Who are you?" Mirio questioned, grabbing the bedside table to retain his balance.
"I'm Chiyo Shuzenji. You're in the town of Edinpool," she said. That didn't make sense. There was no Shuzenji in Edinpool. She must have noticed his confusion, for she explained. "I'm from Ludenburgh, but I was on my way here to visit my sister. I was met halfway by her husband, who escorted me on horseback the rest of the way. Their son had found an unconscious stranger with many wounds, and they had no healer in the town."
She...was human. This human could see Mirio. And from the sounds of it, so could other humans. And he lacked his wings. What was going on? "How long have I been unconscious?" He asked.
"About two days," Shuzenji replied. Mirio stared at her. If he had been unconscious that long, the other angels would have searched for him, brought him back to the city in the sky. And yet, here he was, under the care of a human. Was there any precedence to this?
"I'm sorry for what I said earlier," Mirio muttered, his mind already on the next subject. The boy who found him unconscious must have been Tamaki. "I think I got my dreams mixed up with reality for a moment. Excuse me; I need to go."
Without much of an explanation, Mirio dashed out of the building, immediately regretting it as a wave of dizziness overcame him. He leaned against the wall, regaining his bearings. He wasn't used to seeing the town from the ground. He closed his eyes and envisioned a birds-eye map of the town, scouting out where he would need to go. Trusting his memory, he made his way toward Tamaki's house. His whole body was sore, but he wasn't in much pain.
The walk uphill was more tiring than Mirio expected. He had never needed to walk uphill before, and it worked an entirely new set of muscles. His breathing grew labored over time, but eventually, he made it to his destination. Without any hesitancy or inhibition, he rapped his knuckles on the wooden door. A confused voice could be heard through the thin walls, and shuffling of bodies.
After a few moments, the door creaked open to reveal Tamaki's parents, his mother looking over his father's shoulder. "Yes?" the father snorted impatiently. "Can we help you?"
"Dear, that's the boy Tamaki found. The one Chiyo has been nursing back to health," the man's wife realized. "Oh, Tamaki! Come down here; you have a visitor! Please, come in, dear."
The man stepped aside, and the lady ushered him in to sit at the dining room table. They pestered him with questions about who he was and where he came from. Not having a cover story in mind, most of his answers were, "I don't know." All the while, he kept the stairs in his peripheral vision, anxious to be able to interact with Tamaki. Would Mirio be able to act as if he didn't know him?
Finally, there was movement at the top of the stairs. Mirio stopped midsentence, holding his breath hopefully. Sure enough, the body that descended had unkempt black hair and sad eyes. Mirio shot to his feet, apparently startling everybody. Tamaki stopped halfway down the stairs, his brow wrinkled in confusion before slowly shifting to recognition.
"Oh, you're the guy who was unconscious near Nejire's farm. I'm glad to see you recovered okay," the raven-haired boy said. His voice was calm, and Mirio felt his heart sink. Right. Mirio was a stranger that Tamaki had just happened across. He wouldn't know how Mirio fell unconscious or how much Mirio had tried to protect him. Nobody knew.
The blonde didn't know what to say. He stared blankly at Tamaki, not wanting to embarrass himself. "This young boy claims his name is Mirio Togata, but he seems to have lost many of his memories," the Amajiki mother informed her son.
Okay, that would have the be the story Mirio rolled with. Keeping that in mind, he ventured a sentence. "I appreciate you helping me," Mirio said. "I don't know how I got here, but I'm lucky I ended up somewhere with kind people."
"It wasn't kindness so much as common sense," Tamaki was quick to reject the praise. "I can't think of anybody who would just ignore a guy hurt in the streets. And besides, I'm not the one who nursed you back to health." He was making a list of why he didn't deserve praise.
Mirio didn't know how to reply. For once, he couldn't just slay a Demon that spawned thoughts like that. What words were appropriate? Once the silence got uncomfortable, Tamaki continued. "My name is Tamaki Amajiki, as I'm sure you've heard by now. Is it true you've lost your memories?" Mirio nodded. "Well, obviously, it's up to you what you do from here on, but there is an inn further in town. They don't get many visitors, so I'm sure they'd be happy to room you."
Was Tamaki trying to send Mirio on his way? What if he wanted nothing to do with the outsider? "Uh...uh, right," Mirio said, clearing his throat. "Thanks. I just stopped by to thank you. I should go then." He awkwardly made his way to the door, before being interrupted by the mother, who gave him ten silver pieces. He nodded in gratitude at his parents, before looking up at Tamaki one last time. He may be a stranger, but...perhaps that could change.
The trip from the Amajiki house to the inn whizzed by in a blur. He didn't even the walk. He closed the door to the house, and the next thing he knew, he was looking up at the Wild Pussycat Inn. With a sigh, he pushed the door open. In front of him was a desk with a woman sitting behind it. She wore cat ears and undoubtedly a cat tail. As she heard the jingle of the entrance bell, she set down the book she read and looked at Mirio eagerly. "Hello there, young man! Welcome to the Wild Pussycat Inn! I'm Tomoko Shiretoko, one of the hosts of this establishment! Are you looking for a place to stay?"
"Uh, yeah," Mirio said, approaching her and the desk. "I've found myself here with no memory, and I think I should stay until I know what's going on."
Shiretoko tilted her head to the side like an inquisitive feline. "What an unfurtunate story. Well, fear not! You can stay here as long as you knead to. The current rate is five silfur purr week," she said, flipping through a couple of pages. "Cheap, I know, but we can't be too expensive beclaws we don't get many customers in this small town. It works out good fur you, though!"
Mirio digs into his pocket and hands the coins to Shiretoko. She quickly deposits it into a box hidden under the desk and hops off the chair she sat on. "Right this way, please." She leads Mirio down a hallway to the second door. "Here are your keys." She drops the cold, hard metal into his palm. "You can come and go as you please. There is housekeeping, but if you don't want anybody bofuring you, you can light the candle outside the room." Mirio glanced up to see a sconce set on the wall next to the door.
"Thanks," Mirio smiled sheepishly. Shiretoko curtsies before hurrying away as if she had other customers to help. Mirio slowly slides the key into the lock of the door, turns it, and pushes it open. He's met with a relatively small room, holding only a bed and a dresser. He closes and locks the door behind him, and tosses the key onto the furniture before collapsing on the bed. Was this exhaustion?
What was he supposed to do now? He desperately wanted to get to know Tamaki, find if there was a way to rid him of the Depression Demon without being able to see it. He would need to start from square one, and he had no experience interacting with humans. Then there was the matter of the other angels. Were they aware of his situation? Would they try to help him?
With hundreds of questions swimming in his head, he drifted to sleep, dreams invading the real world.
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┊I really hope
┊you enjoyed
┊this, it took
┊a lot of work,
┊and I'm still
┊not done.
┊The edit was
┊made by
┊Pit
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Comments (5)
You watch as the beast perks up and quickly snatches the letter that materialises before it. It slides the letter to you and you open it...
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Hello again, I have finished with your critique, thank you for waiting so patiently!
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-> The dialogue was really well done! It all flowed smoothly and seemed natural. Overall, it was very easy to read and understand. <-
-> "'That's a Fear Demon, Yagi-sensei," Mirio replied.
"And what of that one?" Toshinori continued,'
This isn't really much of a problem, but you referred to the 'elder' as Yagi and then started referring to him as Toshinori. Now, because we already known the character's name, it didn't cause much confusion. But if your reader didn't know the character's name(as it would be if you weren't writing a fan fiction but rather a piece of original work) it would be a little confusing and they might wonder if there is a another person or something.
An easy way to solve this is just writing 'Yagi Toshinori continued,'
After that you can continue to call him Toshinori. <-
-> Just a small suggestion, maybe you could add a little more description of the setting. If you were just writing a one-shot this wouldn't matter much but since you plan on expanding this story with a few more chapters it would be better to give the readers a solid setting. <-
-> The way you expressed their emotions was excellent. Mirio's desire to help Tamaki overriding his judgement and later on his disappointment and confusion were all written extremely well. <-
It's a really intriguing story and I'd love to read the next part!
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~Vixen, Associate of the CCC
You hear the soft padding of paws as a beast with rust red fur prowls over and sets a letter by your feet. Feeling its sharp eyes on you, you begin to read-
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Greetings! My name is Vixen, an Associate of The Constructive Criticism Crew here to claim your post!
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~Vixen, Associate of the CCC
this. i love this so much i can’t even express it in words.
#featurethis please!!!!!!!!!
Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it
THIS IS BEAUTIFUL🥺 #featurethis