Armin's Entry

As with my previous post, for my SS app I have reposted this competition work as one because it was meant to be read like that.

Before

"My name is Armin Arlert, it's the year 853 and I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing. I suddenly ed a book I read about the outside world when I was a kid and I suppose I was inspired to write about my own experiences regarding the world beyond the walls. Maybe my writings will inspire someone one day, like that book inspired me to carry on fighting.

Unfortunately, my words won't inspire, they'll probably discourage, more than anything else. But, hopefully, by the time this is read, everyone will be at peace and this journal will be seen as an insight into history.

The world beyond the walls is not all I hoped it would be. I'm not naive, I always knew that eliminating the titans wouldn't be the last trial, but I didn't expect for there to be people beyond the ocean I always wanted to see, that were intent on eliminating us from existence.

Despite that though, some of our so-called enemies have teamed up with us. I'm not entirely sure if they're trustworthy, but I trust Commander Hange Zoë and she hasn't informed us of any reasons to distrust them that haven't otherwise been apparent. They speak of the ways they plan to eliminate fellow Marleyans, surely, if they were on the side of their comrades, they wouldn't discuss those sorts of things?

It's a bit scary actually. Much like Commander Hange, I'm intrigued by the inventions they have brought with them, but I'm also afraid of them. The Commander could be too, but she isn't showing it nearly as much as I know I am.

Eren has changed since they made their appearance, he's more distant, more hellbent on war. That's not to say he wasn't looking for a fight before we met a portion of Marley's forces, but he's not as emotional anymore. He used to say he would fight for us, for me, for Mikasa, for our comrades, but now his only focus is killing, wiping out the Marleyans to obtain freedom.

From fighting to killing. I don't know about anyone else but I see those two actions as different things.

I think, maybe, Mikasa can see it too. She's definitely in denial, so much so that I'm quite sure that the others believe she's just as devoted to Eren as she always has been, but I can see it in her eyes when we talk about him. She used to look determined, determined to clear Eren's name if need be, determined to fight for him, now she looks hesitant and unsure of herself, she grasps at straws when she defends him now.

Considering everything that's going on, Eren's behaviour is having the biggest emotional impact on us."

After

"I was right, Eren has changed, so much has, if I'm honest. I have changed too, turning into the colossal titan today and getting a glimpse of the sheer destruction Bertholdt had to see every time he shifted, it did something to me. I feel numb, I don't know how he dealt with it, was that why he was always so quiet? Was he broken? Am I broken? I was crying just a few minutes ago because one of my best friends was shot and Eren laughed, he laughed and it felt so cold, but maybe he just broke? I'm starting to feel like I can't feel, is this what he experienced after the raid on Liberio?

Just a few moments ago, knowing my childhood friend laughed at my befriended comrade's death made me so upset that I wanted to scream at him, but now I'm sitting here, trying to rationalise Eren's actions.

Maybe it's because I care about him too? Even Mikasa, for as long as she has adored Eren and for how much more devoted she had been than anyone else, is clearly becoming more and more faithless. If even she is starting to doubt him, why am I trying so hard to tell myself that Eren isn't the bad guy?

He killed men, women and children, even obliterated their houses and pets! How can he be a good person? I'm reminded of Annie now, how I told her that a good person is subjective depending on how that person has benefited the one being asked. Who is being asked? Me. Who's the subject? Eren. Has Eren done anything good for or to me? No, he had us kill hundreds, he laughed instead of mourned and he's so cold now.

That isn't even personal to me though, his actions and treatment have affected all of us, which, based on my own definition of good, means that none of us can truly believe he is good.

I feel like I've lost two friends today, however, I can't stop myself from wanting to fight for both of them. Is that good? I don't know, but not fighting at all means dismissing Commander Erwin's life, Captain Levi's choice and Commander Hange's faith in me.

Whether or not she means to, Commander Hange has made her choice of the next Commander quite clear. Just a few years ago, I would've found it arrogant to assume I was going to be the next Commander, but now it's survival to make that educated assumption, survival because I have to mentally prepare myself to take on even more duty and burden than I already have, if I don't prepare then I will fail everyone no matter who it is that I choose to fight for."